Many of us live on auto-pilot without realizing what’s driving us. But with a keener awareness and more intentional living, we can quickly put ourselves in the driver’s seat of our lives. Unless we become intentionally aware, we can move through life without understanding what’s undergirding us. But how can you know when you are remote-controlled by people, society, situations, and things? In this article, I am about to spill the Gumbo on ways you may be remote-controlled without realizing it.
With a keener awareness and more intentional living, we can quickly put ourselves in the driver’s seat of our lives.
A remote control (RC) is a small, usually hand-held, electronic device for controlling another device, such as a television, radio, or audio/video recording device.
I Need To Be In Control of my Television
Last week a technician from my internet provider came to change some devices in my home to give me faster internet speed. He told me he would shut my internet down while he worked. Then he came into the living room to work with my television. He picked up the remote control and began to play with the buttons to reprogram things in the back office of the set.
All of that was fine and dandy, but I only wanted to know: “Sir, will I be able to use the remote control the same way I have been using it?” What use is the television to me if I cannot control it to do what I need?
I need it to follow my commands when I want it to click on a particular channel or play specific movies.
That is okay for electronic devices and other things meant to be used. But how can you tell if someone is pulling strings and controlling you?
1. When You Feel Someone is Toying With You
Sometimes, people see you as a toy. It’s a game to them, so they keep pushing buttons that control how you live your life. But we cannot allow people to use us for entertainment purposes.
You can practice mindfulness meditation if you think you are being controlled and feel disempowered. It will clarify many things and empower you to make better choices because you will see through some situations and people like never before.
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2. Is It Manipulation or Genuine Caring?
Pay close attention to everything and everyone in your life. It is easy not to realize someone controls you when you misinterpret it as caring. When you move through life inattentively, you may miss when people have ulterior motives that may seem pure until you dig deeper.
Also, you may fail to see when someone’s controlling ways are driven by their fears, insecurity, or personal regrets. But someone’s regrets should not be our concern. Our primary concern is to do what is best for us. Period. And without apology.
Parents of Adult Children
Sometimes, parents try to live through their children by pressuring their adult children to accomplish things they failed at. And how do I know that? Because I hear from the parents and sometimes the adult children. And it’s like everyone is stuck in a web of pretense.
Give Them Space
Adult children need space to figure out their lives. But when parents dip too much into their children’s affairs, they deprive them of growing muscles to navigate life’s challenges independently. Some parents refuse to cope with their adult children building lives independent of their input. And perhaps that is the issue.
Respect For Mom and Dad
Sometimes adult children have so much respect for their parents that they fear disappointing them. But that does not mean their grown children aren’t dying inside. Many live in discontent, knowing they would otherwise make different choices if their parents were not controlling them. I cannot think of more selfish behaviors than that, especially from parents who say they love their children.
It is easy not to recognize that someone is controlling you when you misinterpret it as caring.
Certainly, Parents Can Offer Advice
Be careful how you hear this. I am not saying that parents cannot guide their adult children. However, it is not our adult children’s responsibility to make us feel good about ourselves, no matter how much we spin it to make us look like loving parents. Empty nesting parents should stop operating under the guise of caring for their children when they are only manipulating them – meaning they are hovering and controlling their adult children remotely.
No Matter How It’s Packaged and Presented
Ultimately, such things never work out well because it is a form of exploitation, no matter how it is packaged and presented.
To an untrained eye, things may look sincere on the outside. But someone always bears the pain of parents’ overbearing involvement in their adult children’s affairs. I know too many cases like that. And I experienced the pain of that in my marriage.
Adult children need space to figure out their lives. But when parents dip too much into their children’s affairs, they deprive them of growing muscles to navigate life’s challenges independently.
3. When the Need to Belong Drives You
How can you know when you are being remote-controlled in the religious or political community? Some people deeply need to belong to anything as long as people open their arms to receive them.
This is a touchy area, but I should address it because I have seen it. I greatly respect the religious and political leaders working at the highest level of integrity. But we all need to keep our eyes open for the snakes slithering among the best of them. For years, I have told the story of meeting some of the nicest people in the world during my 12 years working with incarcerated persons. However, as lovely as many were, they were still murderers, child molesters, rapists, and con artists. That is a sad truth, but I only use that example to say that even “nice” people can control unsuspecting victims.
Much respect for those religious and political leaders operating at the highest level of integrity.
4. When a Snake Comes For You
My neighbor constantly warns me about stepping into my garden without checking it for snakes first. For that reason, she won’t go into her front or backyard, so I take care of her flower bed. But she has a good point. So far, we have had only harmless snakes in our yard. But I know people in my county who have seen Copperheads in their yards. So, I can never let my guard down.
Stepping Blindly Into Situations
Let’s also use this warning to enlighten those who blindly enter relationships with “nice” people they meet in “nice” spaces. “Nice” people’s superpower is that they know all the right things to say. They have mastered the art of manipulating unsuspecting people to believe in them. But soon, they reveal themselves as conniving individuals.
Good People are Everywhere
Like human predators, there are also many good-hearted people. Just remember that sincere people never seek to use or manipulate others.
5. When You’re Busy With No Time To Think!
You may think you are in control of your life because you are so busy. In fact, you are so occupied that what is clear to others is obscured from your view. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to slow down for a long minute to catch your breath. Some may think, Denise, we just got through lockdown when we couldn’t do anything but slow down. And that is a fair point.
Pandemic Lockdown Was Something Different
The pandemic signified a dynamic that would not exist if we did it ourselves. That was a different beast that came with shock and stress because we had no time to prepare. Our children were out of school and struggling to learn remotely without the social benefit of seeing their school friends. Adults were abruptly thrown into Zoom-filled lives and confusion.
However, I am asking you to slow your roll on purpose so you can sift through your relationships. Brace yourself because you may be shown some uncomfortable truths.
Step Away Voluntarily
During the worst part of the pandemic, many were forced to be in situations all day long with abusers because they could not leave their homes or apartments. Reports of domestic violence increased during the worst part of the pandemic. At least school and work allowed people time away from the people abusing them either physically or emotionally.
Empower Yourself
An intentional self-imposed slowdown is an empowering move. You can prepare for it by having your brain open to receive clarity and guidance. But the main thing about it is that you control your life, not someone else. You won’t need to depend on anyone to handle things for you. You can learn to pull your own strings in a way that makes your life work best for you.
6. When Driven By Fears and Insecurity
Are you being controlled by your own negative self-talk, fears, or insecurities? What about charged emotions, impulsive spending habits, or the need to impress people? It’s something to consider, especially if you want certain areas of your life to improve. Also, if we are not careful, we can unknowingly allow buried feelings from childhood traumas to control how we move through life and relationships
I am a massive proponent of self-advocacy. So, you first need to understand what you want, what makes you happy, and what is best for your life.
7. When Afraid To Advocate For Yourself
I am a massive proponent of self-advocacy. So, it would help if you first discovered what you want, what makes you happy, and what is best for your life. This is not the time to be concerned about hurting people’s feelings. Remember, that is how you got into this situation in the first place.
Pray For Courage
There may be someone you do not want to upset or disappoint. Perhaps someone has set expectations for your life without considering what is best for you, and you need the courage to advocate for yourself. But there is still time to do that. If you want peace of mind, you must do it.
Be Encouraged
You can take control of your life out of someone else’s hands! I know you can do it. So, I encourage you to believe it too.
You can trust your instincts because you know what’s best for you. And when you make mistakes, so what? Trust that life will help you to straighten it all out.
Be Selfish About Controlling Your Own Destiny
Yep. I said it. Be selfish. That is not a message we hear much in religious circles, but if taught right, we would see that Jesus was very selfish. Jesus allowed no one to take him off-course. Without a doubt, some wanted Jesus to do things differently, but he honored what was right for him.
Jesus Didn’t Care About Disappointing People
I don’t remember reading where Jesus was concerned about hurting somebody’s feelings, not even religious folk. On the contrary, he was so single-minded that he advocated for his path until death. That is the tenacity I want you to have to get control of your life and free yourself from the power of others. And yes, that includes well-meaning people you love.
In closing, it can be challenging to discern and accept the truth about your situation. But it’s worth trying to ensure you aren’t remote-controlled by anything or anyone other than yourself.
I wish you the highest level of clarity the gods allow.
