This article speaks to the positive ways we can live during estrangement or the empty nest syndrome. You know what? As with everything else, we can choose how we will be when our adult children need time away from us. The outcome, on the other side, is directly related to how we react or respond to our empty nest situation or to an adult’s child’s choice to estrange from us for a little or a long while.
Truth is, our lives as empty-nesters or estranged parents can either go south or lead to health and healing in the long run on both sides.
Respond, Don’t React
I am five years into this empty-nesting experience, and I can chart the times I felt I was growing and the times I felt stunted by it. Every time, 99% of my feelings directly depended on my response on any given day. This may get me into trouble with other empty nesters or estranged parents of adult children, but hear me out.
Ignore Thoughts About How You Think Things Should Be
It is not easy to come clean about our behavior or inner thoughts. But sometimes, we misbehave because we are nurturing specific thoughts about how our adult children should be in a relationship with us.
To be clear, I am saying our inner thoughts are 100% the driving force behind how we move in the world, not only as it relates to empty-nesting, but in every area of our lives.
Make Friends With Your Shitty Days
Of course, we will have some downright shitty days when we are missing our adult children. We have all had those days when we want to tell the whole world to “just go away and leave us alone”. But it helps to make friends with even the shittiest of days.
You Are Missing From Me
I like how the French language puts it. “Tu me manque” translates to “you are missing from me.” An empty nest can feel like someone is missing from us.
Accept How You Feel Without Judgement
When our adult children are not as close to us as we would like them to be, it can feel so heart-wrenching to wake up to another day when they are missing from our daily lives. That could be a good opportunity to accept your feelings without judgment.
Accept Your Feelings Without Judgement
Accept your feelings without relying on them to get you through the most challenging times of this journey, because they will change often.
Emotions All Over The Place
I have experienced a range of emotions after both of my children left home – everything from deep depression to confusion, anger, gratitude, thankfulness, and finally to pure acceptance. But I’ve learned to accept each phase of my empty-nest journey.
Above all else, this empty-nesting journey has taught me to be kind to myself.
The self-interrogation can be excruciating. But for sure, it is unnecessary.
Give Yourself Some Grace
In addition, it is easy to be too critical of yourself. The self-criticism can be brutal, but it is rarely applicable and never helpful.
Self-Interrogation Is Excruciating
The self-interrogation can be excruciating. But for sure, it is unnecessary.
Where did I drop the ball? What did I say to piss my children off? I thought I was a good parent to them, but apparently, I wasn’t. My children must hate me. I am not worthy of their time and attention. I would just rather die if I cannot have my adult children in my daily life the way I need them to be.
Oh, boy! Would you stop it? You did your best. And your children know it, too!
Overthinking is a Demon
Coming from a notorious overthinker, I can tell you that you are overthinking things. Reading too much into your adult child’s reasoning behind their decisions can suck the motivation from your life, trust me.
Wanting To Stay In Bed All Day
I know about those days when you do not want to get out of bed for any reason. But worrying about all the WHYS behind our adult children’s choices and beating up on ourselves for their choices cannot be helpful.
Be Child-like Sometimes
Stevie Wonder had a song called, With A Child’s Heart, and the lyrics went, “With a child’s heart, go face the worries of the day. With a child’s heart, turn each problem into play.”
Go Out and Play in The Dirt
So, get up. Go out and play in the dirt as you did as a child. Put on some “feel-good” music and dance alone in your kitchen. Tear up some bits of paper and write down one thing you are grateful for on each. Gratitude has a way of leading you to a better emotional space.
When Your Mind is Arguing With You
Oh, yeah. You’ll need to do it whenever your mind is arguing and telling you to lie on the sofa in the dark all day. I know a little something about that. But I need y’all to trust me when I say your life is worth fighting for, and only you can live it. Your adult children cannot live your life for you.
Avoid Complaining About Your Adult Children
I see so many empty nesters online complaining that their adult children no longer give them the attention they think they deserve because the Bible says, “Honor thy father and thy mother,” they say.
Have you forgotten when you needed an emotional break from your parents? Yep, even from the best parents. Oh, how easily parents forget when dealing with the dynamics of the empty nest, just as their parents did a generation ago.
Are Your Adult Children Dishonoring You?
Have you ever considered that your adult children are not dishonoring you? What if they need a long minute away from you to figure out some things in their lives – oh yeah – even stuff concerning how they want to be in a relationship with you?
They’re Dealing With Shit
Many adult children are out there trying to navigate through a lot of shit having nothing to do with their relationship with their parents, trust me. I know I did as a young adult, but I got through it! And so will your adult children.
Adult children are out there dealing with shit that has nothing to do with us. So, we need to be careful about always making their journey about us.
How Are You Spinning Your Story?
As parents, we decide how to tell our empty-nesting and estrangement story because it is our story to tell.
Remember that your story is evolving daily and may look different from one day to the next, so try to embrace it in all its confusing, quirky, and even emotionally debilitating forms.
View It From Your Child’s Perspective
So, the question is, how should you be in this world when your grown children have left home and made it clear, either by action, words, or both, that they need a minute away from you?
Let me assure you that some adult children do come back. I certainly went far away from home, both physically and emotionally. As much as I honored my need to leave, I also accepted when life let me know when it was time to return home, physically and emotionally.
Returning Home Healed My Soul
Returning to my childhood home was a healing time after the world had beaten up on my young, independent adult self.
We should not use venting as an excuse to complain to others about our adult children. It is unfair and cruel.
Be Realistic But Not Cruel
I caution parents to be realistic but not
Badmouthing your adult children to your friends may seem reasonable to you. But for one, the things you say may not be true. Besides, it is unfair and cruel.
Don’t Knowingly Cross Their Boundaries
Listen, I know the confusion around knowing when to reach out or how much. I get the worry about not knowing when enough is enough. Still, we must not cross our adult children’s boundaries.
It’s a Thin Line
As parents, we easily justify reaching out to our adult children. However, the line between what’s an acceptable way to reach out and what is not is very thin. And it can be difficult to differentiate between the two.
Extend Grace To Your Children
Try to be gracious enough to grant your adult children time away from you in peace, even if it is for a very long minute. You don’t know what they are dealing with.
Stop Bothering Them
Stop bothering them about texting you. Don’t stress them about visiting for the holidays or sharing what’s happening in their lives. It can be emotionally draining for you both.
Show Yourself Some Grace, Too
I know that it’s hard to know if you are annoying them if they don’t tell you. So, show yourself some grace, too.
It’s’ Hard, But Accept Their Choice
I know how hard it is to want to be in touch and know things about our adult children’s lives. It can make us feel left out, dismissed, and unwanted. But in most cases, adult children do want their parents to stay in their lives, although some may not. Most have no desire to hurt their parents.
I Kept Things From My Father
As an adult, I kept things from my father until I was ready to share them. And it took years. Yep. It took a while because I was dealing with shame, guilt, and depression. But when I mustered the courage to call him, I was glad I did.
Hence, whether we agree with it or not, some adult children need time away from us—and we must respect that.
Many adult children go through a phase when friends matter more than parents. I definitely went through that stage.
The Precious Friend-Zone
Many adult children go through a phase when friends matter more than parents. I definitely went through that stage. I also remember it wasn’t intentional, but how it was. It is a time when adult children learn life lessons that their parents cannot teach them.
Unless Your Story Contains Scary Stuff
Parents, unless your adult child’s story is scary or harmful to them, stand still. Let them decide when to return to you. But also, accept that your child may never return.
By the way, parents don’t get to determine how long estrangements last. Hence, parents’ responses to estrangement can impact the length of the estrangement.
Dream While You Wait
Imagine Spending Good Times With Your Adult Children
There must be something you wish you could do with your adult children: daydream about it.
Use Your Mind To Manifest The Positive
Do you want to do creative things with your daughter or son? Set some time to daydream about it and feel the joy it brings to both of you.
You Own Your Dreams
Allow a big, soft smile to run across your face. Welcome the joy of precious moments spent with your adult children and grandchildren. Dream big. You own your dreams.
The Ho’oponopono prayer can help heal the painful dynamics of empty nesting.
Visualize Now
Let go of harmful thoughts. Instead, focus on positive possibilities. Imagine you and your kids are already living those dreams.
Do you want to attend sporting events with your adult son, but cannot because he is estranged? Daydream about it and feel the joy of that experience, even before it comes to fruition.
Athletes Often Use Visualization
Do you have grandchildren who can’t visit because their parents don’t come by?
Mentally live the joyful experience of your grandchildren’s giggles and love for you.
Live It Before It Happens
Think it, believe it, and live it long before it happens! And it WILL come to pass for you and your family. I know it will. If nothing else, it beats complaining.
Find Your Footing Elsewhere
Again, unless your situation involves scary circumstances, just let things progress naturally. Stop trying so hard to control how your adult children relate to you. Find your footing outside of them.
You Need This Time, Too
You may think parents don’t need to be away from their adult children as much as they need to be away from their parents. But I argue that we do. We need this time to discover who we can be without our children. We need to unearth our hidden gifts and contribute to the world in ways that reflect our new phase.
Besides, our adult children want us to focus on ourselves now, not on them. My children told me as much. This is their time—it’s our time, too!
No matter what their life situation, anyone can benefit from embracing solitude. It speaks loudly about the things we need to know.
Make Friends With Solitude
Empty-nesting or estrangement can provide a useful window of time spent in solitude. That could mean rebuilding a social circle through shared interests. It could also mean using this time to learn or teach yourself something new.
What You Told Yourself Then
Remember when you told yourself you wished you had time to learn to play a musical instrument? How about learning to paint, cook ethnic cuisine, or travel abroad? Well, this is the perfect time for you to do those things you used to talk about doing if only you had the time and money.
You Have Time Now
In closing, have you ever gotten stuck in the middle of a project? Your creative juices dried up, you were fresh out of ideas, and the project exhausted you. But then you stepped away in pure exhaustion, feeling defeated. And then something miraculous happened when you went back.
The Value of Stepping Back
When you stepped away for an hour, a day, or even months or years, you came back and saw things with a fresh perspective.
Well, this is what I hope for you and your adult children. Step away for a while and then revisit some of the dynamics of the relationship with a fresh mind. It will serve you and your adult children well. And that’s the goal, isn’t it? We want everyone to win.
