Used To Bes Don’t Count Anymore
As parents of adult children, we must let go of what used to be if we want to move forward. As children grow up, it can be difficult for parents to do that. However, as the song “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” reminds us, “Used-to-bes don’t count anymore. They just lay on the floor ’til we sweep them away.”
Every Family Is Different
Each family has to evaluate their particular situation. But here are some examples of “used-to-bes” when dealing with empty nest syndrome or estrangement from their adult children:
- Family vacations that include adult children
- Regular Time with Our Grandchildren
- Easy access to Adult Children
It’s imperative to understand that adult children have earned the right to live their own lives and may be unable or unwilling to fulfill their parents’ list of used-to-bes. Although painful, letting go of the past and embracing new family traditions can help us grow spiritually and emotionally. And I am learning to do what I ask you to consider doing.
1. Used To Be Family Vacations
Recently, I tried to soothe one distraught empty-nester when her daughter decided not to join her parents and siblings on a family trip. Annual family vacations were always a beloved event, so the parents felt betrayed by their daughter. But was it fair to accuse the daughter of betrayal? Let’s unpack this question.
Adult Children Have The Right To Flip
I told my fellow empty nester that her daughter had every right to change her mind about vacationing with her parents and anything else. The mom retorted, “But she promised me she would come! And we have already included her in the reservation!” She continued, “We have ALWAYS gone on vacation together as a family. That is how I raised my children!”
Some Alternatives for Parents
Parents can continue the annual vacations, taking photos and video footage to share with their adult children when they return. Or they can even do live video chats with their children during parts of their vacation with each other. Who knows? The parents may even learn to enjoy vacations without their children.
But sadly, many parents choose not to see that as an option and instead choose to lash out at their adult children for growing up.
Emotional Rants Will Happen
I am keenly aware that the onset of empty nest syndrome or estrangement can feel like having a mental breakdown. At the same time, with the pain comes the opportunity to embrace positive change and growth.
Here is a helpful tip for situations like this one:
- Don’t assume anything about your adult children.
- Ask them if they are still open to keeping established family traditions.
- Do not take it personally if your adult child wants to move on from your family traditions to develop their own.
This mom should not have assumed that her children would choose to vacation together forever. She should have asked her children before committing all that planning and money to what used to be.
Relationships Shouldn’t Feel Like Obligations
I suspect her daughter initially agreed to the vacation because she lacked the courage to advocate for what she wanted. And who knows, perhaps the daughter was pulling out of family vacations forever if her parents were making her feel obligated to attend. But I decided not to make that point since my friend was furious and unwilling to accept her daughter’s decision.
Most Adult Children Are Doing Their Best
As an empty nester, I know it is difficult not to make our adult children’s choices not be about us. But the truth is, it is not about us. It is about them. And we ought to trust that our children are doing their best to navigate their new life as adults.
I Felt Both Sides of This Family’s Situation
I felt conflicted. On the one hand, I understand how the parents felt because I had to make adjustments after my children grew up and moved away. But on the other hand, I must admit that the daughter had every right to change course just because she wanted to. Honestly, that was reason enough. And it was not her responsibility to help her parents with this.
The Daughter Was Doing Her Best To Not Hurt Her Parents
The daughter was taking her life in a different direction than the path her parents laid for her. She had no interest in hurting her parents, and she was doing her best to navigate an unfamiliar adult space. And I get it because I did the same thing as a young adult.
Perhaps the daughter thought her given “reason” would soften the blow of a guilt trip from her parents. Unfortunately, it did not in this case.
All Grown People Have Rights
Furthermore, this mom told me her daughter “had no right to mess things up for the family.” And she pulled out all the stops to make a case against her daughter.
Ultimately, I failed to get my fellow empty-nester to see that she had no right to hold her daughter responsible for her expectations. But she pressed on with her conviction, anyway. And I was beginning to feel exhausted by it all. Sometimes, try as we may, we have to let life teach people some things. Ask me how I know that!
Let Go of A Need For Easy Access
Often, parents refuse to give up easy access to their adult children, although they have had them for at least 18 years. During that time, we parents controlled nearly everything in our children’s lives. I was so accustomed to being on the front lines of everything in my children’s lives that when things began to shift, I nearly lost my damn mind. So, I get it. But what used to be is over.
Are Parents Part of the Problem If There Is One?
My friend realized she was losing easy access to her daughter but failed to recognize her role. She no longer had daily input in her daughter’s life and believed her daughter was allowing her new friends to influence her. That is a possibility, but often a small one in the larger scheme of things.
There Is Always a Story Behind The Story
Estrangement is often attached to a back story. But the mother was so focused on her pain that she failed to consider that her daughter’s decision to estrange was at least partly reasonable. And so what if there were outside influences?
Trust That Your Adult Children Will Figure It Out
I understand how painful empty nesting and estrangement are. But we have all accepted advice from friends and acquaintances, religious groups, and other family members, sometimes to our detriment. I mean, haven’t we? Yet, we have found a way to make things right by gaining insights from those decisions. My point is that we did our thing our way and struggled to figure it all out often without our parents’ input.
Who Is Being More Selfish?
Some of this mother’s friends said the daughter was inconsiderate. They also said the daughter was selfish for not returning phone calls or responding to text messages like she used to. The mother nodded, approving these judgments because she felt justified in her anger towards her daughter. But, the question becomes, who was selfish here?
Who Is In Your Ear?
This empty nester lent her ear to continuous “advice” from her inner circle. And she used it as ammunition against her daughter. But this mother ignores the reality that what “used to be” is irrelevant when children become adults. Yet, the onus is on the parents, not the adult children, to relinquish their expectations.
Well, The Nerve of Her!
You may be thinking, the nerve of that son or daughter, right? But BRAVO to that adult child. It takes courage to put boundaries in place for parents.
It is not that adult children do not appreciate their parents’ support. But there comes a time when they feel smothered by their parents. Most young adults prefer their parents to use their empty nesting years to focus on themselves. I know my children do. And they are right.
When I Had To Redirect My Focus
My children had a rough time trying to get me to see this truth. It was time for me to take my focus off them and place it on improving my own life. After all, empty nesting and aging present new challenges for parents. My children often remind me to get enough sleep and exercise. Furthermore, they stressed that I needed to eat well. And they want me to expand my social circle around my peers and less on them.
Your Adult Children Want The Best For You
Admittedly, initially, I thought my children were being mean and trying to get rid of me. Looking back four years later, I sheepishly laugh at how foolish my thinking was then. I now know that my children are my biggest cheerleaders, and they want my best. And it has taken me a long time to see that I need every bit of this time to continue my journey now that my children have flown the nest.
Helpful Tip For Parents:
If you are privileged to have a key to your adult child’s apartment or home, please respect their boundaries. Never show up unannounced, and allow them to decorate their place to their liking, not yours.
Remember that you might be crossing some serious boundaries if you take liberties to maintain easy access to your adult children.
It’s Tough To Address This One
Sometimes, adult children need protection from their overbearing parents, which is hard to embrace as truth. But often, parents are too busy shielding themselves from the pain of Empty Nest Syndrome to notice their emotional dependence on their grown children. They fail to see how this can feel heavy for many adult children, and on some level, it is even unfair to adult children.
Nothing Positive Comes From an Unhealthy Fear
It is a reality often shrouded in fear of losing that adult child. But there is something unhealthy about a relationship dynamic where fear reigns over reason.
Reimagine New And Different
At the risk of sounding contradictory, I must say that aging parents and empty nesters don’t need to throw away everything that used to be. Or rather, as parents, we can work to rewire our brains to reimagine relationships with our adult children playing out differently than the vision they’ve been nursing. Yet still in heartwarming ways.
Trust That Things Can Shift Again
If empty nesters were once close to their children in the past, you can trust that it can happen again, but it can only happen if you let go first. And I know how difficult letting go can be.
Don’t Try To Force Closeness
The key is not to force our desires on our adult children. As parents, we must find other ways to fill the voids in our lives. Nothing can replace the fellowship of having our children be in our lives like they were while growing up. Similarly, nothing can replace the new experiences and bonds we will form in our latter years if we allow room for everyone’s right to do what they feel is best for them, even if we disagree.
Allow Love to Progress Securely
It helps to base love and relationships on freedom, not coercion, so let the love between us and our adult children progress naturally and securely. Yes, you will sorely miss your adult children, and when those times hit you hard, allow the tears to flow and the chest pain to run its course. But a secure relationship that stands the test of time is much more important than holding on to what used to be for the sake of tradition or because we are afraid of changes in ourselves and our children.
Let Grace Do Its Perfect Work
I often return to the following thought because gratitude undergirds everything I do. Consequently, I encourage you to allow grace and appreciation to have their perfect work in your relationship with your adult children. Grace is a power higher than all of us, and if we let go of the reigns, grace can prevail in the nick of time.
Grace Doesn’t Disappoint
Practice daily gratitude regarding your relationship with your adult children, no matter how things look. I encourage you to give thanks for the good memories a write down all the things you appreciate about your children. And keep in mind that things are not always as they appear. Stay encouraged and trust the process. Grace never disappoints.
Recapping The Main Points
As an empty-nester myself, I know about the “used-to-bes.” I get it. I believe it’s natural to want to hold on to the familiar, even if that means being in control of our adult children’s lives. But trying to force things is selfish and unkind and will only stunt our growth and the further growth of the relationship.
Let Go to Get Back
Many empty-nesters feel that if they let go of what used to be, they will lose their children. But by releasing our desire to control, things can have the opposite effect for the better.
However, the contrary is true. If parents do not give up on what used to be, they will surely “lose” their adult children to estrangement, sometimes for a very long time, if not permanently.
List All Of Your Used-To-Bes
I advise every empty-nester who found this article to list all your used-to-bes relating to adult children. And then sift through them one by one. Give yourself some time because some of it will be gut-wrenching.
Work With Your Adult Child
Remember that regardless of who is in your ear, this is YOUR relationship with your adult children, and it will behoove you to work with your children, not against them.
The goal is to create and maintain healthy adult relations with your children. And it starts with letting them be adults, regardless of their adult choices not meeting your preferences. After all, didn’t you do your adult life your way?
They Want To Create New Traditions
Your adult children deserve that same right to make decisions. It is time for them to create unique traditions, which will inevitably become what “used to be” in their lives. Then, they will need to sweep away some of their own issues 20-30 years later if they become parents of adult children. And by then, they will better understand what you are going through right now and think of you with compassion.
My Challenge To You
I close with a challenge. I encourage you to take time to sift through some of your family traditions and the expectations you have lying on the floor. Then, consider whether it is time for you to sweep them away to make room for the new and unfamiliar.
Wishing you and yours all the best!
I welcome your opinions, comments, and questions about this article below. Also, subscribe (for FREE) by hitting the blue button (embedded) in the article.
If you have enjoyed this article, you might like this one:
