Reframe Your Mental Picture of Empty Nesting for The Best Results

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Framing Matters

Have you ever decided to refresh the look of a room and wondered where to start? Sure, you can go for a total remodel. But sometimes, all it takes is changing the frames of your wall art or photographs. I have done it before. Sometimes I buy new picture frames. This article explores ways empty nesters can reframe their mental picture.

After a tiny tweak, I cannot tell you the vast difference in how I see the photos and artwork. Changing the picture frame can give it a new presentation. Life is like that as much as it is all how we see things.

Be Careful Because Your Mind Can Trick You

When we are hurting, the mind plays tricks on us. So, we try to make sense of the painful realities by telling ourselves stories that may not be true.

I start by showing empty nesters how to flip the switch on some unhealthy thoughts. Let’s look at some ideas we empty nesters mull over when confused about what’s happening with our children.

Let me prepare you by saying that some of what you are about to read will disrupt your normal thought patterns. So, take it slow. You may need to reread this a few times before it sinks in.

1. Reframe How You View Neediness

My Children No Longer Need Me – This is the number one complaint of new empty nesters. If you believe your children no longer need you now that they are grown, you are right and wrong. At one time, I convinced myself my children did not need me, and that was it. I left no room for the possibility that they still might need me differently.

My daughter left home for college four years before my son did. And I hated that she stopped “needing” me a few years after she graduated college. But then, I did not know how to process anything about ENS. And I wasn’t aware that it was preparing me for the first stages of the syndrome after my son left home. I wasn’t bothered that my son left home for college, nor was I worried that my children went to study abroad. I still had that cushion of knowing I would see them at the end of every semester, so all was well.

There Is Nothing For You To Do, Mother

But it didn’t hit me hard until my son told me he was moving to another apartment in Boston. One day, he told me everything he needed to do for his move, and I said, “Son, I wish I were there to help you with your move.” His reply nearly crushed me. “Well, what are you going to do? There wouldn’t be anything for you to do.” Then I reply with something silly. “I could just be there to cheer you on.” LOL! I was dumbfounded; that was the only thing I could think of, and of course, it made my son chuckle.

I Was Always The Only One

I was always the only one who helped my children when they had to move in and out of their living spaces. It was never their dad, no uncles, aunties, no one. It was always me along on the road. I had been through 10 years of moving my children from dorm room to dorm room. And from house to house. And then, I moved my daughter twice to NYC after she graduated college in Philadelphia.

So, I was used to hitting the road with an SUV full of stuff to take or bring back home. And I drove my children around their respective towns to buy the things for their new apartments. But now, I wasn’t required for ENS. What the heck?

I remembered how my heart sank inside my chest. My son said it very gently, but it still landed like a ton of bricks inside me.

Your Children Still Need You

If you feel that way, I encourage you to reframe how you see it. It took a while, after long bouts of depression, for me to realize that my adult children still needed me. They need me in a much different way now. And your children still need you, too. But they need you differently now. They still need and want you…

To be their caring mother.

To pray for them.

Not to worry about them.

To take good care of myself so they won’t worry about me.

All those years of putting my children first have made me realize that I need to minister to my needs first. And to flip the switch, I know that I need myself now. Of course, I have no regrets about having put my children first. I am saying that I have reframed my thinking on the whole “they don’t need me anymore” narrative I was feeding my mind.

2. Are You Sure You’ve Been Replaced?

My Child Has Replaced Me – It is reasonable for some empty nesters to feel their child is dethroning them. Some may think their child is replacing them with the parents of their child’s spouses. This can happen, especially if the adult child lives closer to the other family. That means they can attend engagement parties and every holiday get-together. But that is all it means. It doesn’t mean your child excludes you, even if it feels like that.

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Reframe How You View Truth

I Know These Things For Sure – Dear friends, as empty nesters, we must decide if we will feed lies or the truth about ENS. I know the crazy thoughts we empty nesters think when we are sad, frustrated, and missing our children. But our brains love to blame others. So, if we embrace lies about our adult children, we can shift the blame for our suffering onto them. But that only keeps us from doing the work of digging deep within to heal ourselves.

If My Children Really Loved Me

I know what you may be thinking. If my son loves me, he will return my call. If my daughter loves me, she will not ignore my text messages. If my children cared about me, they would move closer to me. After all, I am their father, and I was always there for them! How can they be too busy for me?

Such thoughts may feel good, but they add a false sense of comfort because it lets us play the victim. Our adult children can’t help us with that. So, ignoring thoughts that don’t serve us well is up to us.

A Double Portion of God’s Grace

On another note, some have valid concerns about their relationship with their children. If that is you, I pray God will sprinkle a double dose of His grace on you, dear one. Still, I encourage you to reframe even how you view that situation. Could it be more to do with you than with your child?

Your child may choose estrangement from you and the rest of the family. But it could have nothing to do with you. It may only be how your adult child interprets their world right now. Not everything is about us, empty nesters. Let’s ponder that for a minute.

3. Reframe How You View Ungratefulness

My Children Are Too Ungrateful – As empty nesters, our thoughts can border on the ridiculous when we are hurting. When our children don’t respond to us as we had hoped, we default to thinking they are “ungrateful.” Then we pull out the “After all I did for him all those years” card. What the what? Again, I am guilty of this one, as well.

Then The Over-Thinking Starts

All the diapers I changed, the snotty noses I wiped, all those nights I stayed up and rocked them when they were sick. All the boo-boos I kissed and all the…… We can go on and on.

Are You The Ungrateful One? Just Asking.

Let’s reframe this: Instead of thinking, “My child is ungrateful,” you could ask, “Am I ungrateful?” Am I ungrateful to God for trusting me as the vehicle to bring these beautiful children into the world to raise? Am I grateful my children want to be responsible adults? Some parents would love their grown dependent child to leave the house, but they don’t have the guts to put them out!

An Important Word of Caution

I am not referring to special needs children who may have to live with their parents well into adulthood. I am speaking of non-disabled capable adults.

This Is How You Reframe Your Thinking On This One

How often do you give God thanks for everything about your children? Do you have a regular gratitude practice? I started a “Gratitude Jar” a couple of years ago, which helps me stay grateful for my children even though I miss them.

By the way, one does not have to be religious to enjoy the benefits of expressing gratitude. Gratitude is a powerful universal concept, even if one is not part of a religious community.

Be Grateful For How Well You Have Done With our Children

4. Reframe Your Thinking on Appreciation

My Child Does Not Appreciate Me – Are you sure your child does not appreciate you? I mean, did they say they don’t appreciate you? During the early dark days of my ENS, I got bit by that faulty thinking, too.

Do YOU Appreciate Your ENS Journey?

How I reframed my thinking. I asked myself if I appreciated the valuable life lessons I learned raising my children. Did I appreciate…

My children’s different ways of dealing with my ENS?
Every phone call or text message, no matter when they came?
Every ounce of time my children spend away from their friends to come and see me?
When only one of them visits but keeps the other up-to-date about my well-being?

I encourage you to ask yourself these and other tough questions. Let’s examine our hearts, empty nesters, not our children’s hearts.

5. Are You Thinking Right About Purpose?

My Life Has No Purpose – Excuse Me? Let me ask: Did you think your parent’s life no longer had a purpose when their last child left home? Who told you that your life has no meaning now?

Child-rearing is but one slice of your purpose in life. Think of a pie with several pieces, even with only four cuts. After your children leave home, you still have three slices to work with. So, this is a perfect time to discover my new purpose or expand my definitions.

Inventory Your Life For Purpose

Let’s talk about the pie chart of your life and how it might look. One slice could be your career. One could be hobbies and interests. And the last slice could be Personal Development and Self-care.

And I was giving you basic stuff. You can also continue your education. You can improve your social life, travel, start a business, or volunteer to serve others. Yep, you can lead even as you bleed. The options are endless, but you might not see it that way yet. Listen, it took me a while, too. For 25 years, I tied my ambitions to one core purpose; my children.

Look For Opportunities That Lead to New Purpose

If you are like me and have an insatiable desire to serve others, look for opportunities. You can help others by changing to a career that allows you to serve the community. Or, you can start something. There are always needy children and needy elderly individuals. They would love the company and feel compassion.

6. Reframe How You View Age

I’m Too Old To Start Something New – I have always been caring and nurturing. And having children allowed me to practice those skills. But, I have reframed my thinking since I became an empty nester. There are many opportunities to practice caring for people who need nurturing.

I considered adopting another child but did not want to relive that K-12 even though I enjoyed it. I no longer have the physical or mental stamina for that. It is good to admit when certain things are not for us. We never want to jump into something to keep ourselves busy. That is why life offers empty nesters many options.

Pour Into Another Child

But I have a 42-year-old empty nester friend who is adopting his great-nephew. The child’s mother is not in a good place, and he does not want the child in foster care. So, he is giving the lad a great opportunity at a better life while training him to make good choices.

There is always someone who is in need. Look within to see what gifts and skills you have and how you might be able to give back to your community. Put all those nurturing skills you learned as parents to good use.

This Might Be Your Time

7. Flip The Switch on Friendship

My Children Are My Friends – It bothers me to hear young mothers refer to their toddler sons as “my little man.” Or, as one young mom told me about her son, “It’s like having a buddy with me all the time.”

The trouble with seeing our children as our buddies, or our “little men,” is that those children will grow up fast. And when this happens, it will only make things difficult for the child and the mother. It sets the adult child, the parent, or both up for separation anxiety. I have seen it.

Your Son Is Not Your “Man”

Moms, your son should never be the “man” in your life. From experience, I know that innocent people get hurt by a mother’s over-committed to her grown son. If that son engages in any committed relationship, the mom will frame it as someone taking away her man.

For the ten years, I was with my ex-husband, his mother did not have one friend. Her children were her friends. And she became an empty-nester when he married me. I don’t like mother-in-law jokes because I loved mine. But in that situation, she was wrong, and it caused a lot of strife in my marriage.

Unhealthy Emotional Cords

My ex-husband focused more on healing his mother’s empty nesting heart than on mine and our children. I tried to appeal to my mother-in-law, but she refused to sever the unhealthy emotional cord with her son. And he refused to let her go through the grief of ENS.

One day, my mother-in-law told me I was “too possessive.” But I only wanted her to release her grip on my husband so we could establish a family without her control. She did not care about the irreparable damage she caused my children and me. She was too happy to tell her son to divorce me because she wanted 100% of his attention.

The sad part was that she loved me as long as she could have 100 access to her son. I knew I didn’t have a fighting chance, so I moved on and raised my children alone. I had no choice.

But that’s all water under the bridge now. I only hope my story helps someone else.

I Promised To Let Go When My Time Came

That experience made me promise I will never be clingy to my adult children to avoid the pain of ENS. It is not fair to my children.

Right now, I talk to either one of my many siblings or one of my close friends at least a few times a week. As empty nesters, if we are not careful, we can cause our children to carry the weight of our emotional stress. We have to have friends in our peer group. And our children are not in our peer group.

Raising your children to stay committed to you to avoid empty nest syndrome is selfish at best. And in your mind, no one will ever be good enough for your adult child.

Furthermore, if your child does not leave you, they will never cleave to their spouse and children. ENS parents, please get out of the way. Your child needs these years to figure out who they want to be in adulthood. But they won’t be able to hear themselves think if you are always in the mix.

Reframe So Everyone Can Win

Everyone Can Win With the Proper Framing. – As an ENS parent, you must reframe how you view your relationship with your grown child. From experience, I can tell you that either one or two things will happen if parents try to prevent ENS. Your child will remain committed to you. And their partner and children will suffer emotional neglect. Or, your adult child will abandon you to save the family they are establishing for themselves. There will be no middle ground.

This topic is not easy for me to talk about. But if it helps even one empty-nesting parent, it is worth putting my business out there. Each one should teach one is my motto.

Putting It All Together

In closing, take some quiet time to reflect on ways you can reframe how you think about your ENS experience. See if your mindset could use a little tweaking. Remember, your adult children are not against you. They haven’t dethroned you. They may have shifted their priorities, but that is not only okay; it is downright healthy for you and them.

You are no longer supposed to be their best friend or closest confidant. If you and your adult child remain close, that is perfectly fine. But decide you won’t pitch a hissy fit if they meet someone else and move you to the number two spot.

Accept the Changing Dynamics

To be clear, your adult children should engage with their partners and peers more than with you. The only exception is if your child is in harm’s way. Then that would be cause for alarm. Otherwise, as empty nesters, we must accept that every relationship has shifting dynamics. And we know these principles. Yet somehow, we assume ENS exempts us from honoring them.

Mark my word, as soon as you reframe how you view your empty nesting journey, you will feel liberated. And it will open windows of opportunities for you and your children.

Stay well.

How To Reframe The Way You View Empty Nesting

How To Accept That What “Used To Be” Is Over

How To Contact Adult Children The Way They Prefer

Framing Matters

Be Careful Because Your Mind Can Trick You

1. Reframe How You View Neediness

There Is Nothing For You To Do, Mother

I Was Always The Only One

2. Are You Sure You’ve Been Replaced?

Reframe How You View Truth

If My Children Really Loved Me

A Double Portion of God’s Grace

3. Reframe How You View Ungratefulness

Then The Over-Thinking Starts

Are You The Ungrateful One? Just Asking.

4. Reframe Your Thinking on Appreciation

5. Are You Thinking Right About Purpose?

Inventory Your Life For Purpose

Look For Opportunities That Lead to New Purpose

6. Reframe How You View Age

Pour Into Another Child

7. Flip The Switch on Friendship

Your Son Is Not Your “Man”

Unhealthy Emotional Cords

I Promised To Let Go When My Time Came

Reframe So Everyone Can Win

Putting It All Together

Accept the Changing Dynamics

How To Strike a Good & Healthy Balance With Adult Children

How To Contact Adult Children The Way They Prefer

Denise Lewis

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