Many empty-nesting parents have difficulty accepting the rights their adult children have earned. But until they grasp this as the new reality, their empty nesting journey will continue to be painful. Some of us are alone, widowed, sick, or otherwise living unfulfilled lives when we become empty nesters. But our plight has little to do with our children, so we should consider how much we lean on them for emotional support. Therefore, as empty nesters, we must learn to contact our adult children however they prefer, not based on what’s convenient for us.
Below, I share some things for empty nesters to ponder about communicating with adult children and suggest what they can do in the interim. Let’s break it down.
1. Things Look Different From Our Perspective
Some parents are committed to sending a text message at the same time every day or the same number of times every month. Some may say, “I am going to call my son every other day or once a week.” But honestly, it is not our decision to make. In other words, we often decide what is best for us without considering what is best for our children.
But what if that’s not the best way to communicate with adult children? And what if you won’t know what is best unless you ask?
Let’s Learn to Love Those Intervals Between
Communication is essential in all relationships. However, we can learn to gracefully embrace the intervals between phone calls, video chats, and text messages. Those quiet times are just as important as when we do talk to our children because it keeps things fresh.
It’s all a matter of being willing to look at things from different angles.
2. Our Children Are Busy – For Real
I get it. As empty nesters, it is easy to think our children “can’t possibly be that damn busy.” LOL! And when you are missing your children, your brain cannot make sense of them being so busy that they don’t have time to answer the phone at least 75% of the time you call or respond to your text messages within 24 hours. I remember thinking that at the beginning of my ENS journey.
Your Adult Children Think of You Often
Some empty nesters assume their adult children have forgotten and rarely think about them. But our children do think of us often. It’s just that they are overwhelmed with their schooling, career, and social lives.
Comparing Children With Children
Sometimes, parents make the mistake of comparing how their children choose to stay in touch, but it is unfair to make those comparisons. For instance, one of your adult children might drop everything to answer your call or respond to your text message. But another child may wait 3-4 days or even weeks if they respond at all. Just as you cannot compare how your co-workers might react to the same scenario, we must also respect our children’s differences that way.
There is No Right or Wrong Way
So, which one is correct? Neither. Think about it for a second. Do you respond to everyone who contacts you in the same way and within the same amount of time? If you’re being honest, you probably don’t. Again, neither method is better than the other. When it comes to parenting adult children, honoring each other’s preferences is always better than having our way with each other in the long run.
4. Age Matters
If you recently dropped your child off to college or a military base for service, it’s not the same as having an adult child who has been gone for 3-10+ years. The dynamic is simply different.
Expect a Shift
First-year college students may miss their parents so much that they still want to speak to them daily and come home every weekend if their schools are close enough. That is acceptable and healthy in some ways because it is an adjustment on both sides. However, things may shift in a big way when that child gets more involved with the social aspects of college or when their coursework becomes more demanding. So, ENS parents need to prepare for that shift.
Below is the link for an article that speaks to families whose teenager is leaving home for college for the first time. Some things in the article may not apply to your situation, but others will. You can tweak the suggestions to make them work for you and your child.
Communicating With Your College Freshman
Children in their mid-late 20s and 30s
This is where the rubber starts to meet the road, especially if ENS parents enjoyed closeness with their adult children throughout college or the first four years of their military career. Today, I was watching a YouTube Channel about houseplants, and the young lady (who is married) said, “Adulting is complicated, and sometimes, I don’t want to do it because it’s stressful.” Did you get that?
3. Trust Your Adult Child
Imagine how you felt when your parents did not trust you to make good decisions. Perhaps you weren’t making good choices at the time. But you wanted to figure out some things without your parents’ input. And that is perfectly acceptable, in my opinion.
Authentic Communication Is Key
You can have a lot of talking and texting and still miss communicating. I say that because you don’t know if your child is on the other end of the phone rolling their eyes or holding the phone ten feet away while you go on and on. You don’t even know if they’ve put you on mute. So, what you want is authentic communication, and if you allow your adult child to take the lead on how often they wish to contact you, it will be best for parties on both ends. It just feels more authentic and connected.
Connection is More Powerful Than Talking
My daughter did not visit me last Christmas 2022, but her phone call on that day made me forget that she wasn’t physically there with me because the things she said to me were so beautiful. We felt each other through the phone lines. The connection was so powerful that I cried silently as she was speaking. That is what it’s all about, connection. So, parents going through empty nesting would be better off shooting for connectivity than the number of returned phone calls or text messages.
5. Get Comfortable Not Knowing Some Things
Let’s be honest. Our parents did not know some things about us in our 20s and 30s either. If fact, some of us shudder even to imagine them finding out some things. Consequently, you will unlikely know stuff about your adult child, including their closest friends. That is a tough one for me.
On the one hand, that alone is a reason to panic. But it would be best if you remembered what you instilled in your child. Trust they will use the tools you gave them to navigate those relationships.
They Are Stressed About Becoming Adults
Your adult children may not contact you as often as you’d like simply because they are bowed down with the stress of “adulting.” You may see them smiling on those social media pages in group photos. (Now, following your adult children on social media is another topic altogether). But inside, they are navigating the adult world often with their peers, who are just as confused. But today’s digital world encourages young people to lean more on one another than their parents. That is both a concern for worry and a reason to trust.
6. I Don’t Think It’s Karma
Recently, one empty nester said she thinks her adult child doesn’t call her because she did the exact thing to her mother. If someone wants to believe that Karma is at play, it’s their prerogative. But let’s leave room for differences in personality and the fact that adult children not only have their in-person relationships to nurture but also spend a lot of time connecting with friends through social media and text messaging apps. That is a lot to navigate, and it may leave little room to call or text their parents.
When My Siblings Became Adults
My mother passed away before I became an independent adult, and I attended college in my city, so she never experienced empty nest syndrome. However, I had a lot of older siblings, and what I noticed is that a couple of them either called or came to see Mama every day, while others called or came by maybe once a week. Still, others of them rarely called or came to visit Mama. But, I never had reason to question my siblings’ love for our mother; to this day, they all speak of her with the highest level of affection.
In the same way, you cannot base the level of your adult children’s love for you on how often they talk, text, video chat, or visit you. But I understand how parents can feel that way when missing their children.
7. Hold On -Things Will Turn Around
I encourage all empty nesters to hold on because things can and will turn around. And I only know that from speaking with adult children who readily confess that while they lived away from their parents, whether for college, the military, or any other reason, there were times, they did not call home. But now, they are in their late early 30s and 40s and would not think of not checking in with their parents regularly.
They couldn’t even be specific when I asked them what they were doing during those years. They only say that they were just “living life,” While they often thought of their parents, especially their moms, they did not call much and thought nothing of skipping some holidays with their parents because they wanted to share it with their friends. I mean, I get that. Unfortunately, some parents are unrelenting and choose to play the victim rather than use this time for personal growth and development.
8. What If Your Child Can’t Handle It?
It is a real possibility that your adult child does not know how to relate to you when you are in a funk. Not that they never saw you experience depression, but Empty Nest Syndrome is an entirely different beast. And while you perceive it as your child not loving your or wanting you in their lives, they want you to get better so they will want to be around you again.
Suppose you are the type of empty nester who unloads your emotional stuff on your child. Or if every time they call, you are talking about how sick you are, then it could be too much for them, and their decision to stay away may be their way of protecting themselves from situations they care about but can do nothing about.
9. Work On You
So, I tell empty nesters to work on themselves. Period. And let time and life take care of everything else. Our children want to see us maintaining well, if not thriving altogether. That is what they want. They don’t necessarily want to know everything happening with you and their extended family. That might be too much for them to handle.
I have asked my children how much they would like to know and how much information is too much. And because I have an excellent relationship with both of my children, they have told me what’s enough and how much is too much for them. And I respect them for that.
Case in point, as I told you, I have a lot of older siblings. And my children love them all. Recently, I asked my daughter if it was okay to share some of the health concerns of one of my brothers, whom I know she adores. She wanted to know how he was doing, but I knew not to give her too many specifics. If I know that my daughter is stressed with work projects or my son is overwhelmed with school, I don’t unload every detail of every situation on them. It’s a delicate dance, but a dance whose steps I am still learning. And I feel good about it because it keeps both sides accountable but respectful.
To Recap – Trust your adult children to take the lead on how often they want to communicate with you. And try not to take it personally. You are not a victim of your child’s “bad behavior.” They are not misbehaving at all. They are simply trying to figure out how to navigate the many aspects of adult life.
As parents, we tell ourselves that we know what our adult children should be, but we are not always right.
Stay well, and blessings to you and your children.
