Is It Ever Too Late, Though?
My children heard only the first four bars of a new song when my daughter screamed. “Kevin! Do you hear that beat?!” I admit, the beat was funky, but that wasn’t what made me engage her in a discussion about whether it is ever too late to apologize. After obliging me for about a minute or so, I heard, “There goes Mom, Kenya. Picking at our songs again.” At that, I just burst into laughter.
My children know how I am about music and lyrics. All they wanted to do was jam when I wanted to have a deep conversation about what this man was saying.
We Don’t Get To Decide. Then Again, We Do
In this song by the boy band, One Republic, the man is telling the woman that she not only broke his heart, but it was how she broke it that he could not accept. She had left him hanging on a frayed rope. OUCH.
The thing is, we don’t get to decide how people hurt us. But we do get to decide what we will do about it. It is often best to do nothing about it unless it is an egregious crime against us or someone we love, which warrants legal action.
Those things aside, I am talking about regular old relationships, like issues between lovers, friends, and family members. We may as well apply it to problems between people we don’t care about and ourselves. Hence, I have a few more things for you to ponder.
1. I Don’t Think So
I do not believe it is too late for an individual to offer a sincere apology, nor is it too late to accept another’s apology. I don’t know how my grown daughter feels now, but her 13-year-old self disagreed with me back then.
Although this song is about a rejected lover’s mindset, I suggest you apply it to any wrongful situation you may face. In it, a woman has the poor fellow hanging on to the rope of her ambiguous love until she decides she no longer wants him.
Apologize was a massive hit song, and my daughter kept changing the radio station, so we probably heard it fifteen times in the car that day. But it gave me even more reason to use it as a teachable moment with my young children.
What About Time?
It’s easy to feel that the passing of time somehow exonerates us from having to make an apology. On the contrary, it allows for sincere reflection and renders an apology more heartfelt rather than superficial. If something has been gnawing at you for years and robbing you of peace, go free yourself by apologizing and making things right.
9 True Apologies
2. It’s Not A Slam Dunk For Another Chance
Contrary to what many people think, a sincere apology might not win one back a lost opportunity nor put them back into someone’s good graces. Yet, whenever applicable, we still need to do it. The woman in the song eventually begins to feel remorseful, but her ex-lover isn’t buying it. “It’s too late to apologize,” he tells her.
With that, let me cut the songwriter some slack here. He may need to clarify his statement. Here is my interpretation. The man implies that his ex-girlfriend’s apology would not win her another chance, not that he would reject her apology. They are two different things.
If Someone Apologizes To You, Accept It and Move On
You can accept a sincere apology but deny the wrongdoer access to your personal space again. That is your fundamental right and does not mean you’re holding a grudge. It may simply mean that you have grown wiser from having had an experience with the offender. So, feel free to accept an apology if an individual offers one, but also feel free to never break bread with them again if that is best for you. Without apology (no pun intended), in some cases, deciding never to allow the offender into my good graces has worked wonders for me, and yes, even after they have genuinely apologized.
3. Don’t Apologize For Self-Advocacy
Be okay with self-advocacy. You should never apologize for advocating for yourself because there will be times when you will have to do just that. Sometimes, well-meaning people don’t know what’s in your heart. They only know what they think is best for you. It behooves you to keep that in mind.
Do they know that you are not happy and suffering in silence? Do they know that you have other plans for your life? Do they know that you deserve to have a say-so in the details of your own life? Well, not if you don’t advocate for yourself. You may have to be alone, but at least you will have peace of mind when you decide to use your voice and your choice.
Should You Apologize To Yourself?
Not in a self-condemning kind of way, but if anything, you should be apologizing to yourself for having given up your power and energy to live someone else’s rules for your life. Apologize for ignoring yourself just as others have done to you. Start putting your needs and desires first. I am not saying that we should never consider others, but at the end of the day, we should do what is best for us.
4. It May Not Be Too Late But Let’s Be Real
“Well, I am sorry if you feel that way.” What kind of sorry, not sorry foolishness is that? Listen, if you feel impressed to apologize to someone, then do it. But don’t insult their intelligence. People don’t need you to feel bad just because they feel bad. They want you to show that you are genuinely remorseful for the offense. Otherwise, leave them alone and go somewhere with your sorry self.
5. You Don’t Really Need One. You Just Think You Do
Incidentally, we may convince ourselves that we need something we don’t need, for instance, an apology. Don’t hold your breath waiting for someone to apologize to you. You are the powerful one, so the ball is in your court. Please get that. Why sit around waiting for someone to give you closure? In reality, you don’t need them to provide closure, so how about you stop acting like you do?
6. Don’t Wait For An Apology. Free Yourself!
If you never get a sincere apology from the person who wronged you, okay. The truth is, that has nothing to do with you. Don’t be tethered to someone’s ball and chain, waiting for them to apologize. Free yourself, by yourself! Let them carry the negative emotional baggage of their offense. It isn’t your job to free them.
I know people who have spent years waiting for apologies. However, doing so holds one hostage to someone else’s whims and renders them the weaker link. Understand that you are anything but the weakest link. I am not implying that your pain isn’t real. I am saying that you can close that chapter of your story without that person’s permission.
7. Don’t Apologize If You Did Nothing Wrong
Stop apologizing for stuff you did not do. Have you ever known someone who apologizes for everything? I have. It is not only annoying, but it assumes a false sense of responsibility. That’s what I call it when someone constantly apologizes for wrongs they never committed. And often, the guilty party loves it because it lets them off the hook.
Never trade an apology for fake inner peace. Who wants that? I like genuine peace and have no interest in apologizing to pretend that all is well if it is not.
Genuine Peace-Making Is Different
When real peace is the desired outcome, both sides will be willing to discuss and acknowledge any wrongdoings where applicable. Don’t try to help people who owe you a sincere apology. Let them go through whatever emotions they need to experience to get through it. You are not responsible for carrying the weight of someone else’s wrongdoing. You have enough of your stuff to atone for, trust me.
8. Why Do You Even Ask?
Some may take issue with me on this, but I don’t ask for apologies. In addition, I hate when people pressure politicians and celebrities to apologize publicly. Famous or not, a person’s apology can only be sincere if they do it of their own volition, not because they may lose their job.
Let’s be clear. It does not matter if the offender is a friend, colleague, family member, or lover. People already know when they’ve done wrong, so don’t waste time trying to convince them. It will only leave you emotionally exhausted.
Forced Apologies
Many years ago, a student said something disrespectful to me, and a colleague made her apologize to me. I saw the whole scenario clearly from the jump. However, I was between a well-meaning colleague and a 7th grader who could not have cared less. She only apologized because she knew that meant a call to her parents had she not done so.
I Knew It All Along
A couple of hours later, I was in the bathroom and overheard that same student in the adjacent stall. “I didn’t feel sorry for what I said to Ms. Lewis,” she said to her classmate. I only did it because the other teacher would call my mom if I did not apologize.” To this day, that child doesn’t know that I was cracking up in the stall right next to her! It took everything in me not to laugh out loud.
Neither student knew I was in the bathroom when they came in. I did not laugh because I tolerated disrespect. I did not. Instead, it was because she had no idea that I had already seen right through her fake apology.
Later, I told my colleague what I overheard in the bathroom, and all she could do was look at me with a sheepish grin. Hopefully, she learned that we should force someone to apologize because it has no merit.
Back to One Republic and Their Mega-hit
Years later, the song Apologize is still on my most used playlist. By the way, I would agree with my children; the beat on the Timberland remix of the song is incredible.
I may follow up to ask my children how they feel about apologies now that they are adults. They were 9 and 13 years old then, but they are 27 and 31 now. And it might make for an interesting discussion.
Until then, I’ll keep enjoying the song and its funky beat, and I offer no apology. Besides, it’s too late to apologize, anyway.
Feel free to leave a comment below, or email me at Denise@TalkGumbo.com!
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