When You Reach a Scary Bridge
Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS) can feel daunting, and as parents get closer to this phase of life, anxiety grows. ENS isn’t only about missing adult children—it’s a major life transition. This article includes my experience with ENS. With that, I share useful ideas to help you tackle the scary bridges you will face as empty nesters.
The Middle Passage
Here is why I call this phase a bridge. It is the middle passage of our journey that gets us from the sad stage of empty nesting to its joys.
Incidentally, these principles can apply to anyone, even if they’re not empty-nesters.
One Scary Bridge After Another
As an empty nester, you’ll go through many changes. and it helps to trust that your life has equipped you for every stage. You will miss your children, but as the shock fades, trust your life to guide you. But honestly, some days, you won’t want to get out of bed, and that is okay.
You, Alone
Be assured that even if you have a partner, in many ways this is your journey to make alone. But there is no need to worry. Just cross each scary bridge when you get to it—one at a time.
I know it’s hard, but we have to leave your children to figure out the adult space without our interference.
Your Partner Has Their Own Lessons
Even with a partner, you will have to undertake the ENS journey alone. Each of you will have different lessons to learn along the way.
Even with a partner, you will have to undertake the ENS journey alone, as you will have different lessons to learn along the way.
Some Things to Consider:
You can definitely get to the other side
You can turn around if you’re heading the wrong way.
ENS is a long journey. Let it run its course.
Accept help when offered. Or seek it out.
Accept that you might need to start afresh many times throughout your journey.
Embrace uncertainty
Be scared and cross over anyway
Everyone has fears.
When you look back from where your ENS journey began, you will be proud.
1. You Can Get Across Scary Bridges
I often have to quell the screaming in my head and pay attention when I get to a “life bridge” that frightens me. But sometimes, I want to drop my head, close my eyes, and scream as I did on a 1st-grade field trip many years ago.
Growing up in New Orleans, I often saw the Mississippi River bridge from a distance. But the day came when I had to cross it, and I wasn’t ready for it.
Causing Unnecessary Fear
You see, our teacher tried to get excited about crossing the Mississippi River bridge. We were on a field trip, and Ms. Lane did not know that the bridge terrified me. But soon afterward, everyone on the bus was in on my embarrassing secret.
I Was In Emotional Crisis
At her announcement, I immediately screamed and went into an emotional crisis.
“What’s wrong, Denise?” Mrs. Lang asked.
“I’m scared of that bridge!” I said through painful hiccups and hard sobs.
“I’m scared of that bridge!” I said through painful hiccups and hard sobs.
Creating Untrue Narratives
Mrs. Lang chuckled and then said that our school bus driver would get us across safely.
You see, my 6-year-old self thought vehicles rode on top of the bridge’s pointy peaks. It was a false narrative, and I got myself all worked up over nothing.
You might face tough times when your kids leave home. But don’t add to your trauma by believing things about your adult children or about yourself that aren’t true.
Don’t add to your trauma by believing false things about yourself or your adult children.
2. When on The Wrong Path
If you make poor choices during this phase of your ENS journey, you can turn around and start over. Take a moment to regroup and reflect. This way, you can avoid impulsive decisions next time.
We Took The Wrong Ramp
A few weeks after I moved to Washington, D.C., I met a girl named Joan who took me on a scary ride one late Friday night.
After a social event, Joan offered me a ride home. She said she didn’t need me to tell her how to get to my great-aunt’s house because she was familiar with the city. This was in the early 1980s, so GPS was not a thing.
Turn Around at Your First Safe Exit
Well, Joan was wrong, and instead of going toward my Aunt Mabel’s house, we ended up on a ramp headed to Virginia. And then she tried to back down the ramp as traffic was heading our way!
I screamed, “Joan, what in the HECK are you doing? Please get off at the next safe exit, or you’re going to get us killed!”
3. ENS is a Long Ride
As teenagers, my brothers and I crossed the Louisiana Causeway Bridge every summer to get to our camp. At 24 miles, it might be the longest bridge in the world. Yet it connected us to all the fun activities that awaited us at summer camp.
Settle In For the Ride
The only way to cross the bridge of ENS is to get comfortable with the long ride. And do what my kids told me: focus on your own life.
Get Comfortable. You Might Be In For a Long Ride
Show Yourself Some Grace
It takes time to step back from your adult children’s lives and focus on your own. Show yourself some grace.
No Quick and Easy Path
The truth is, there is no quick and easy path to get to the other side of ENS. Every empty nester who’s thriving now faced tough times of loneliness and a lack of purpose before they adjusted to the reality of ENS.
4. Accept Help
Everyone has felt stuck at different phases of their life, as this is an inherent part of the human experience. But we must accept help when it’s offered. This next story makes me tremble because it involves my then-young children.
One morning, my old hand-me-down car stalled at the top of an ancient drawbridge on our way to school and work. I panicked with terror.
Sometimes, We Need A Push
A man in the car behind mine screamed out his window. “LADY, PUT YOUR CAR IN NEUTRAL!”
I needed to get unstuck and had no time to argue with my mind. So, I set my pride aside and accepted the help. That stranger pushed my car off the bridge to safety, and I am still grateful to him.
Don’t Let Pride Get In the Way
Empty nest syndrome is a butt-kicker; some days, you will feel well enough to push yourself. On other days, you will need some help. Be okay with that.
5. Begin Again; Again
In a sense, ENS feels like new construction. We’re rebuilding our lives from a place we don’t know. Still, we can use the lessons life has taught us and build from there. I get how hard it is to know where to begin again from an unfamiliar place.
Your Hold The Cards
You hold all the cards to your new life. Consider ways to integrate everything you learned during your child-rearing years. You can use those things to help rebuild your life as an empty nester.
These Principles Can Apply to Anyone
Surely, as with most life principles, these can apply to anyone’s life, even if they aren’t empty nesters.
It is safe to embrace life’s uncertainties. Sometimes, we have to cross bridges without knowing the outcomes. I have done it many times, trust me.
6. Embrace Uncertainty
It is easy to stay immobile until you have all the answers before moving forward. This is especially true when things do not pan out the way we envisioned years ago. But our lives are still under construction, and it is safe to embrace uncertainty.
Don’t Freeze with Panic
I cried the first time I drove alone over the huge George Washington Bridge in NYC. But I had to get to my son’s school in Providence, RI, so I had no choice. It’s a double-decker suspension bridge, and I didn’t know whether to drive on the lower level or the upper level.
For seconds, my car and my brain froze as I panicked at the foot of the bridge. But the oncoming traffic forced me to take the ramp.
Your Life May Force You
Sometimes your life will force you to move, so surrender to it. To be clear, you will need to abandon your attachments to how you think this stage of your life should be. Your life is waiting for you to live it on the other side of ENS.
Sometimes your life will force you to move, so surrender to it. And truth is, your adult children want you to thrive with or without them.
7. Cross Your Scary Bridges Afraid
Several years ago, I helped my daughter move to a different apartment in Brooklyn. Then she asked me to take her to Ikea to get some things.
Dang. Another Scary Bridge?
I asked her, “Will we have to cross another scary bridge to get there?”
When faced with a challenge, do you ever think, “Will I have to cross another scary ‘bridge’ to do this?”
Stay Focused
“Denise, you can do this. Remember, you’re here to help your daughter. Stay focused,” I told myself.
That day, my daughter needed help with her move, so I had to stay connected to my reason for being there.
It will be helpful if you stay focused on what you need to do to get over your challenges.
Trust me when I say that everyone is scared. It’s not only you.
8. Everybody’s Scared
Keep in mind, everybody’s scared of something, whether they admit it or not. So, don’t stand there. Do something. Cross your bridge and figure the rest out as you go.
Set New Goals
Would you like to return to school, change careers, start your own business, get married, or divorce? Do it, trepidation and all.
9. When You Look Back
After a few days with my daughter, I headed back home. And seeing the Manhattan skyline in my rearview mirror made it all worth it.
Be Glad You Took That Ramp
After you cross a scary bridge in life, remember this: you will be glad you took that ramp.
Wishing you all the best.
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Feel free to leave a comment below or email me at Denise@TalkGumbo.com! I would love to hear from you!
Related: https://talkgumbo.com/walking-with-a-wobble-can-teach-us-great-life-lessons/
https://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/infrastructure/g2383/the-worlds-most-impressive-bridges/
