Who Is This Person In My House?
So, the children are gone, just like that. They grew up, and they left. No questions asked. They just left. At least, that is what it might feel like to you. And now you are left in the house with a person you must figure out. Until now, your engagement with that familiar creature had only to do with raising the children, but now that you no longer have to collaborate on summer camps, sports clubs, schools, music practices, and where to send them to college, you are stumped. This article discusses ten ways to appreciate that perfect stranger in your nest.
The Nest Is Empty Now, Sort Of
Welcome to the first day of Empty Nest Syndrome. It’s the first morning after your only or last child leaves home college, the military, or to move into their own apartment across the country. And you wake up next to this strange person and lay there trying to figure out what in the world you are supposed to do with them. Ha! You wonder how your loving child could do you like this and leave you alone in the house with this other person.
You Want Your Child to Return to the Nest
You go into the kitchen to call your child. Then you text them, but they don’t pick up or respond to your text message. You turn on the news, and all that does is frighten the heck out of you and make you want to hit the road to pick up your child and bring them back home. You look outside and see your neighbor cutting his grass, and he is oblivious to your plight.
That Perfect Stranger is Following You
So, you sit there, stunned, stumped, and confused in your mind. And then the familiar stranger comes into the kitchen and says something to you, and all you can do is look through them because it hits you that you don’t know that person. And you are wondering why they are in the house with you.
Not That Long Ago You Were a Bride and Groom
Wait. You know that you know this person, but you are not sure. You remember when you used to be in love with him. It seemed like yesterday you two got married, but everything else is a blur.
Sure, you remember special moments that you try hard to string together. How did time pass so darn fast? Weren’t we a bride and groom like yesterday? WAIT? You tell yourself there must be a wedding album somewhere in the house. But you are too out of it to look for it. You don’t feel like yourself. Heck. You don’t even know who you are these days, let alone remember who the stranger is.
Did We Drop This Same Baby Off For College?
You scrap the wedding album idea and opt for the baby pictures instead. And you try to make the baby in those photos be that same child you dropped off on a college campus, but you cannot make the connection that they are the same person. It can’t be. What happened? And how did it happen?
The Stranger Doesn’t Know What To Do Either
You look at the stranger, and he has no idea either. He is just as lost in space as you are. And he, too, wants to go pick that child back up, not because he cannot handle them being gone, but because he doesn’t know what to do with you. LOL! You guys are a mess, but you don’t know that you will be alright because right now, all you feel is pain, confusion, and mistrust.
You look over at the perfect stranger; he doesn’t know what to do about this newly acquired empty nest. He is just as lost in space as you are.
Everything Was About The Kids
When the babies started coming, everything became about them. So, it’s possible that even though you and your spouse have been together for many years, suddenly, each of you notices something intriguing about the other. You see things you missed because the focus was always on the children, the next band rehearsal and sports tournament, or even planning family vacations.
You Don’t Remember When You Were Together, Alone
Neither spouse remembers aloneness, together, with only the two of them. And if they did, it was short-lived. They are no longer 20-somethings. They have gray hair now and wisdom. They have been through the school of life’s hard knocks and picked up a few hard-won life lessons. But this empty nest situation has thrown them both or a loop, and they have different processing methods.
Three Different People
My mother used to have a saying, “The man you meet, the man you court, and the man you marry are three different men.” As a child, that confused me because I only knew my mother to be with my father, so what was she saying? I later realized that Mama was only trying to tell me that people change. By the way, the same goes for us women. We have changed as well.
You Can Work Through It Together
But don’t give up on your partner so soon. You guys can work through this together. Remember, this experience is new to both of you (and your child), so wait a minute. Give yourself time. Give your partner time.
Empty Nest Syndrome is a beast that few know how to tame. It’s a slow kill, and you feel every jab and bite. If you have a partner, get help from a third party if you have to, like a therapist, to help you two learn from each other. You two are no longer the 20-somethings who couldn’t get enough of each other. And you are no longer a bright-eyed parent of newborns. Those days are long gone. No. You are different people, and I want to encourage you to get to know who each of you has become over the years.
Your Children Can’t Help You With This
You’ve done well by your children, and now you can pour into each other. You’ll need to make the other your center of attention now. Your children won’t be able to help you with this, so leave them out. They are too busy trying to learn to live without both of you for the first time in their lives, so they are overwhelmed right now. They are excited, but they still have a lot to figure out.
Don’t Give Up on Each Other
There is statistical data out there about the divorce rate of couples during the empty nest years. But I encourage you to stay the course, guys. Respect that each of you will react differently to the Empty Nest Syndrome. There is no wrong or right way to respond. The truth is we are still determining how ENS will affect us. Besides, it happens in phases, too. For instance, one of you may become reclusive, while the other may kick outside socializing into high gear. So, be prepared for that!
I Wanted To Start Smoking
When my child left home, I thought about smoking cigarettes, and I have never smoked a cigarette in my life! Some who were teetotalers may start drinking and not know why. Empty Nest Syndrome can leave us numb because we don’t know what to do with ourselves now that our children don’t need us in the same way. We can come up with some crazy stuff when we feel like we are going crazy without our children in the house. LOL!
Be Kind and Gentle
Be gentle with yourself and your spouse because you may get crazy ideas. You know those movies that show the couple buying an RV start cross-country traveling as soon as their last child leaves home? That happens fewer times than you might think, or at least not immediately. It takes most couples a while to regain footing after their nest empties.
Love Your Partner Again
We now know that actual statistics exist to inform us that divorce rates increase when married or partnered couples experience ENS. Below, I share some things you can do to give your marriage or partnership a better chance to survive and thrive after your children leave home.
- Take it slow. I mean, SLOW. Because, in some ways, you don’t know each other.
- Listen to each other – Your partner is not the same person you courted and married.
- Invite that familiar stranger (your longtime partner) on a date.
- Write them a (handwritten) letter.
- Ask them how they are feeling.
- Be patient – Your partner may take up different things. Did they start smoking or drinking when they never did before? Are they spending less time at home because they don’t know how to relate to you either? Their way of dealing with ENS is different than yours. Learn to accept that.
- Don’t nag your partner.
- Give them time and space – Just because they aren’t crying outwardly doesn’t mean they aren’t dying inside. They miss their children, too.
Finally, as women, we are often so caught up with the children that our spouses may feel left out. And now that the children are gone, your partner may not feel “welcome” in their own home, so they are confused, too.
They may have different ideas of what their lives should look like now. It would be best if you worked through the new dynamic your children’s absence has created in your home. Don’t just quick on each other because of the eerie feeling of emptiness in your home that makes you uncomfortable.
