I Was Caught Off Guard
Have you ever been caught off guard by something you thought you had prepared well for? It is the kind of thing that leaves you stumped and even feeling duped by your brain. At first, you freeze, and then you walk around bewildered and out of touch with the person you thought you were. Let me tell you what happened to me when my children left home for good.
Why Does That Truck Have To Be So Big?
When my son drove away behind a big moving truck to start life on his own as an adult, I did not know how to process what was happening in real-time. My children typically left home to return to college or for international travel after visiting me. So, I did not yet know why I felt different when my son left home after visiting me to start his new career after grad school. It was because when my daughter left for college 4 years prior, as much as I missed her, and got a pit in my stomach every time I had to take her to the bus station to return back to school after a visit.
I Still Had One Child At Home
But I still had my son home. Still, I sensed my anxiety rise the closer he got to graduating. That is when ENS starting, although at the time, I didn’t know why I was getting depressed.
You would think that I should have been prepared. But nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to go through.
Bed Linens
Three days later, it hit me that I hadn’t changed my son’s bed linen after he left, something I always do after the children’s visit. By now, you can probably imagine that I had been body-slammed up against an emotional wall when I walked into his room.
This time, ALL of his guitars were gone, and his computer desk was bare except for a few lingering wires. Consequently, that was when I knew that the sights and sounds of my home would change forever.
Laughter In The Walls
Now, the question swimming in my head became, Where was the laughter from my children’s debates about who had dropped the latest and greatest visual album?
Besides that, who will laugh at me when I don’t understand jokes and pop culture, and when I start snoring in the middle of a full-length movie? Sadly, I realized I would have to depend on hearing that laughter in the walls now.
My children are grown and gone now.
So, who will laugh at me when I don’t understand what’s happening in pop culture and when I fall asleep on every full-length movie?
Seeking Another’s Viewpoint
Every so often, I call my big brother for his perspective on my stuff. One day, he said that if I did not feel sad about my children growing up and leaving home, something would be wrong with me.
“What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” I thought in my Arnold from “Different Strokes” voice. There IS something the heck wrong with me. However, I chose not to tell him that I thought so.
Talk Therapy
I cried in my therapist’s office when she told me some damn pills would help. I did not believe her, and they didn’t. On top of that, she said my mental funk was merely situational and that things would pick up when I found a new purpose. I did not believe that, either.
My Brain Is Talking To Me, Too
As my therapist spoke, so did my brain. Lady, Listen. I will not pay your hourly rate to hear you say what I’m not trying to hear. I am not trying to hear anything you have to say. All I want is for somebody to make my children still need me. That is all. Girl, bye. Have yourself a good life.
I Know I Can Figure This Out
My daddy once told me, “Nise, you can figure anything out. You just have to think.” With that reminder, after that useless visit to the therapist, I returned home to mull things over, but all I wanted to do was blow up my children’s phones. Yet, I did not.
Then I thought, if I could put them in a protective bubble so this crazy world won’t harm them, all would be okay. But I knew I couldn’t do that.
Stumped For Real
I felt this shit gradually coming on two years ago, right about when my son started his final year of grad school. Still, I just sank with those emotions because I did not know what else to do. Afterward, trust me when I tell you that I thought of everything, yet none of that mattered because I was stumped.
What About Christmas, Though?
Last year, I said I would still buy a Christmas Tree even though my children wouldn’t be able to visit. We have a family tradition of decorating a real tree together, but the pandemic messed that up.
My hair was still falling out, and neither Minoxil nor essential oils were doing their jobs as promised. What was a girl supposed to do?
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Both of My Children Are Grown and Gone
The chapter-long text messages from my daughter are gone, and my son no longer needs me like he used to. It does not bother me that my children no longer live at home. However, not knowing everything about their lives was what bothered me.
The Rules Are Different Now. Aren’t They?
Are you ready for the kicker? My dad didn’t know much about my young adult life after I left home, either. Nevertheless, I reasoned that those rules did not apply to my children and me. How did I think that, and where was that written?
More Musings Of A Novice Empty-Nester
Girl, you can do this. Remember, you are a damn Lewis. You are the daughter of Charles and the granddaughter of Colonel Nathan Lewis, for God’s sake. Don’t you remember when a friend told you that you are a champion who comes from champions? Get it together, will you?
Please, Just Stop, Will You?
Brain, just shut the EFF up! I don’t need you talking to me right now. Anyway, I am tired of having to be a goddamn champion. I am just tired, period. So, EFF all that. I just want to…..be.
Hold up. When did I start cussing?
“Young eagles learn how to fly from their parents. And then they practice until they hone enough life skills to care for themselves.”
When Young Eagles Leave The Nest
Like A Mother Eagle
It bothers me to see grown children depending on their parents, but maybe I did too good of a job. Doesn’t a mother eagle encourage her eaglets to fly on their own, and wasn’t I a mother eagle?
Encouraging Them To Fly on Their Own
Since they were very young, I had encouraged my children to leave the nest by going away for college and traveling worldwide. Well, weren’t they only doing what I told them to do?
See that is what I get for laughing at friends years before who felt lost after their children left home. Karma got me, and now I am wearing the damn shoes, and the last laugh is on me.
My Children Visit Me
Before the pandemic, my children traveled home to find me in a dark place, mentally. They saw me lying on the sofa staring blankly at the wall as their words hit me like rubber pellets and then bounced to the ceiling.
My Son Goes In
“You have to focus on yourself now, Mother. We are grown, and we are okay. We need you to care for yourself because we are worried about you.”
“Do you call your brothers? Don’t you hang out with your friends? How do you spend your days now? Are you drinking enough water? What about sleep? You look tired.”
Remote-Controlled
My replies were remote but honest. “Yes. Sometimes. I don’t know. No. Sleep? I am not sure. I do?”
“It’s just that I am so accustomed to focusing on you two. And I……I….”
My First-Born Took The Lead
“Kevin. Wait, please! You are too hard on mother.”
He rests his case and falls back. He goes upstairs, and she follows.
Ten minutes later, I received a solemn text message from my daughter.
“Mother, can you meet me in my room in an hour?”
“Yes, honey.” was the only thing I could muster enough strength to say.
The Roles Had Flipped
“Mom, listen. If it helps, then continue to think about us and how we want you to take care of yourself now.”, she tells me.
Then she helped me to plan the next phase of my life on paper because my brain just could not. That day, I just had nothing left in me.
No More Campus Cruising
I couldn’t rewind the tape, but I wanted to make them be in college again. First, I could take those long drives to hang out with them on campus and meet their college friends. And what about romping around the university bookstores when they had to go to class? I wanted more of that.
All That Youthful Energy, Though
There is something extraordinary about being on college campuses and taking in those young, energetic vibes, especially when you aren’t overwhelmed with having to study. Secondly, I could no longer attend their ‘Family Weekend” festivities. All of that is over. Done. Gone. Finished.
Here We Go Again
My mind continues the assault. My menopausal, 100-year pandemic brain is still trying to get my attention.
AAAAAH!! See. Now, I’m about to catch a motherfu…..case up here.
Who will I visit at college now that I have run out of children to raise? Should I adopt a couple of children? Wow, Denise. Girlfriend, you got it bad. You are tripping now, girlfriend.
Time Waits For No One. Not Even Me
One day I was packing their things into my SUV to move them into their college dorms. Then seemingly in no time, I was packing to leave to go and watch them walk across stages to collect their diplomas.
No two days are alike when you are a new empty-nester, but I have permitted myself to feel any way I need to. The most significant difference is now the negative self-talk is gone, and there is no more shame about missing my children. They told me that I had done an excellent job raising them, and now they want me to be well and to focus on myself. Now, I would need to follow their advice.
These days, I wondered if my father felt like this the day I left home for good.
When Daddy Did Not Say Goodbye
All this is causing me to revisit a turning point in my life 37 years ago, October 13, 1984, to be exact. That was when I left my daddy, my siblings, and the only life I had always known to relocate to a city 1100 miles away.
One of my older brothers came to take me to the airport that fateful day. Daddy was lying in bed pretending to be reading a magazine and refused to look at me when I said goodbye to him. I had assumed he was angry with me for leaving him just one year after our mom left him, but that wasn’t the case.
First, His Wife. Now, His Baby Girl
Our mother had died of ALS just one year prior, in October 1983, and I was his baby girl still living at home. Perhaps, that was more than daddy wanted to handle at the time.
Years later, now that my children have grown up and left home, I wonder what my daddy felt the day I left home for good. At the time, I only thought he was angry with me for leaving him. But interestingly, I no longer think it was anger. I now believe he did not know what to feel.
This Chapter Is Just Beginning
Currently, I am in a relationship with two young adults who are learning to navigate their world without my daily input. Even so, I am learning to be okay with that.
You guys are walking through this experience with me in real time because I am still writing this chapter of my story, one uncertain day at a time.
Acceptance Is A Powerful Thing
My big brother had been right. There was nothing wrong with me. If anything, what was wrong was that I interpreted missing my children as something wrong with me. I didn’t want to accept that, and that was the problem.
I have to get my shit together and accept there will be days I will feel like I am losing my mind. I sometimes sleep in my children’s rooms, but at least I know that I must move on for good. Furthermore, they have their own lives to build, just as I did when I left the nest of my parents’ home nearly 40 years ago.
“Get it together, Denise. You might be all this and that, but your ass is still human.”, I told myself.
And Then Things Shifted
Things began to shift not long after that visit from my children. Maybe I was losing my mind, but only to gain a new one that came with a brighter outlook, renewed dreams, new intentions, and a new purpose.
Yep. It was time for me to start focusing on myself! I am in the center of that purpose, not my children. Self-love saved my ass, and my children were right. Hence, I am glad I let them take the lead during those dark days of empty nesting.
I Had To Write My Own Life Prescription To Wellness
Writing My Prescription For Wellness
I dedicated myself to mental healing since I have much more free time. I embarked on a journey of “Do-It-Yourself” home projects. I built valuable and practical things and learned to fix as many things around my house as possible without hiring help. I even planted another tree and started growing some of my food! My garden needed more color pop, so that was the next project.
Below are a couple of photos I took when I fixed my air-conditioner compressor. It took me three days to get it right because I had to change a swollen capacitor and the fan motor without electrocuting myself! LAWD, have mercy.
Hotter Than July
It was 102 degrees that week, and a little fan I bought did nothing but blow hot air around my house. I don’t mind being hot outside, but Good LORT, please, not inside. LOL! I am on the other side of menopause and can’t take indoor heat as I did in the old days.
Thankful For Technology
A few years ago, I began to shun technology and social media. The cooler weather and Covid-19 kept me indoors and isolated from my friends, so I had to come up with other things to keep me occupied. These days, as I enrolled in online personal development courses, I began to be thankful for technology and social media.
Gardening & Old School Jams
Eventually, I joined fun Facebook groups for people who like outdoor gardening and growing lots of indoor houseplants. I even found a group of people who love and miss the old-school soul music of the 60s and 70s, and we jam together!
Adding To My Tribe
Making new friends has always come easy for me, so I made friends with people from all over the globe. They make me think, laugh out loud, and challenge me to keep growing and going higher. I have started walking more, eating less, drinking more water, sleeping more, and practicing mindfulness and self-love.
Of course, I cannot flick off an emotional switch and stop being mindful of my children, but I have come a long way from moping around in the dark months.
Making new friends has always come easy for me, so I made friends with people from all over the globe. They make me think, laugh out loud, and challenge me to keep growing and going higher.
The Best Lesson Of All
Life blessed me with wonderful children who saved me on the day I couldn’t save myself. Yet, their approaches to handling my fragile mind differed, which is why it worked. My son’s engineer’s brain thinks in factors, formulas, and finding solutions to problems. In contrast, my daughter’s social sciences brain operates more like mine, but I needed both brains to help me.
In The End, My Brain Understands
In the end, what I experienced during that visit convinced me that my children’s deep love for me had not atrophied even one iota, and at the end of the day, that was all I needed to know.
Gratefully, the greatest lesson I got from it is that my children still need me! They need me differently now. Differently, that is all!
Well, I am going up to bed to sleep soundly now. Yes, I am going to my daughter’s room while telling myself it is okay.
I’d like to hear your thoughts and insights in the comments section. Please feel free also to email me at Denise@TalkGumbo.com
https://talkgumbo.com/walking-with-a-wobble-can-teach-us-great-life-lessons/–
Though I am just 38 & my kid is only 8 years old yet I could feel your emotions in this blog completely. You made good choices to keep yourself engaged once your kids left. Kudos to you!!
Denise, this sharing open my heart to the loneliness I’ve been feeling for my daughter’s one in college and the other living a beautiful life in another state. I was able to embrace the loneliness and not see it as a bad thing. I now feel a since of freedom to just be. My daughters are happy and healthy and that’s all I’ve ever wanted for them. Thank you!