A Series of Articles About Milestones
The Intention To Live Long Enough
My Inspiration
It Might Take A Long Minute To Get Your Bearings
The first three years of my Empty-nester journey were riddled with depression, anxiety, and stagnation. And for most of that time, I was on the struggle bus alone, as none of my close friends nor acquaintances were going through ENS nor had gone through it. Unlike me, they all still see their grown children regularly because they live close.
So, as much as they loved me and cared that I was hurting, they could not relate on the same level as someone who was and still is experiencing ENS.
The first three years of my journey as an Empty-nester have been one riddled with depression and anxiety, and stagnation. And for most of that time, I was alone on the struggle bus.
Empty Nesters Must Participate in Their Healing
I often hear empty nesters say they are in deep emotional pain since their children left home. And they want to find a way to get to the other side quickly. Yet, they often fail to do things to get them there.
To kick off this discussion, I have to begin with some questions. What makes your heart smile? What makes your boat float? What gives you warm fuzzies? What makes you laugh out loud or softly chuckle? Who or what lights you up? Now, I’d like to set some ground rules here.
First, nothing about your answers to these questions can pertain to your children. I know that sounds cold, but if you trust me, I am going somewhere sweet with this. After all, isn’t it a new sweet spot we seek now that our children are grown and gone?
Start With Music
Often, I tell empty nesters to start with music therapy. It does not matter what kind of music, and it does not matter if you dance or not, as long as the music makes you feel good. But try providing music therapy to yourself, make an appointment to see a music therapist, or join a community choir or band.
My Goal Is To Lift You
My goal here is to lift you emotionally, remember? So, if your responses depend on your children, what do you think are your chances of healing? Zilch, Nada.
Have You Set Emotional Goals?
Have you ever considered setting emotional goals since you became an empty nester? If not, doing so can do you some good. It is up to us to put a guard around our emotions because other people won’t do it, and it is not their responsibility to do it. In other words, if you know that interacting with certain people will leave you feeling defeated, depressed, and in despair, do your best to avoid that situation.
I Might Step On Some Toes
I know how the depression of Empty Nest Syndrome can make you feel like you are losing your mind. But you are not. You will be okay.
Friends, Don’t Come For Me
Our adult children cannot help us with this, even if they try. Nope. We are going to have to get our closure – by ourselves. Oh-oh. Are you still with me?
I start by listing some points, then expand on them to broaden the conversation. Don’t come for my head after you hear the next thing I say, okay? Are you ready?
My friends, I know how the depression of the Empty-nest syndrome can make you feel like you are losing your mind. But my goal is to help you keep your head even if you come for mine. Let me dive in.
Social Media is One of our Biggest Downfalls
One of our biggest downfalls is how we use social media. Let me say this, plain and simple. Stay off your adult children’s social media pages (I just covered my ears because I heard some of you screaming at me.). Say what, Denise? Are you out of your blankety-blank mind?
We may tell ourselves that we are just “following” our children on social media to keep up with their lives. But it’s hard to resist the temptation to be all up in their conversations with their peers. Besides, do you need to keep up with your adult children’s lives?
Family Social Media Pages Are Different
Creating a family-only social media page on Facebook or WhatsApp is different, but only if your children willingly participate. And it should not include your adult children’s friends, even if your family knows them.
We Are Mama and Papa Bears
What an Emotional Healthy Milestone Can Look
You can decide to stop trying to defend your grown children. In this mother’s mind, she tried to protect her daughter. But her daughter did not need defending.
All the mother did was stress herself out, leaving her crying to herself sleep that night. Her daughter only tried to communicate to her mother that she was out of place. She felt a false sense of rejection. But her daughter accepted her.
Let’s Not Pit Our Children’s Friends Against Them
First, the mother felt the daughter’s friend disrespected her. She did not. The young lady stood her ground on what she believed. That was all.
You’re Stressing Out Your Children
Secondly, her daughter was in an awkward position. She had to mediate between her mother and her friend publicly. And that caused the daughter stress. I am sure it stressed the friend also. She also had to choose between her longtime friend and a woman she grew up respecting. Parents, your intentions are pure, but you may be stressing out your children.
Now, Do You See Why I Take This Stance?
Now, do you see why I think parents should parents stay off their adult children’s social media pages? It is not worth the emotional trauma it may cause. And if you piss your adult children’s friends off, do you think your children will want to be around you? I know of a few situations like that. But I only shared one example with you.
When You Know Your Child’s Friends
You Cannot See Them The Same Way.
Listen, those young people will come for you. They don’t see you like they did when they were 5, 10, or 16. Those are grown people now. So you cannot talk to them like you used to when you hosted those grade-school sleepovers.
Girl, Get Your Mama
It’s Uncomfortable For Your Child
Do Something For Yourself
Leave the ball in your adult children’s court. Set a goal never to use anything to guilt your adult children into calling, visiting, or texting you. That includes using your grandchildren or the fact that you want to see their new apartment or home as a reason.
Take The Reigns of Your Life
Plan new activities for yourself; take classes online (or in-person). Rekindle old friendships. Learn a new skill or take up a new hobby. Start a business. Start a small group with people who share your interests. The options are endless. But again, it is all on you, not on your children.
Strengthen The Relationship With Your Partner
If you have a partner, use this season of your life to strengthen your relationship with your spouse. Remember that your spouse may not feel the effects of ENS the same way you do. If you are single, strengthen the relationship you have with yourself.
Start Improving Your Sense of Self
Emotionally Healthy Intentions: By The List
I realize I spent a lot of time discussing social media. And that is because digital spaces connect us with many things we do daily. And while social media can be a great tool, it can become a weapon against our healing if we are not careful.
That said, here is a list of milestones (or intentions) empty nesters can set to protect their emotions. It is a surefire way to foster healing.
You will undoubtedly add to this list as you discover what works best.
- Set an intention not to text or call your adult children every day or every other day. You may get upset when your child does not respond. Plus, that can be emotionally heavy for your adult child because you ask them to carry you.
- Intend not to use excuses to contact your children every day. And that includes sending an inspirational quote to “encourage” them. Our adult children don’t always receive things how we mean them, which is not saying anything wrong about them.
- Please do not contact your adult children’s friends unless it is an ABSOLUTE emergency. But first, do everything you can to reach your adult child.
- Again, stop “following” your adult children on their social media platforms. That space is for them and their peers.
- Please don’t share your adult child’s business with people you think are their “best friends.” Friendships change over time. And your child may not want their friends to know their business. Besides, they may have new friends you know nothing about. Respect that.
- Set a milestone that you will not intervene in your adult child’s problems. The only exception would be a true emergency that calls for family intervention. Otherwise, let your adult child figure out their situation without your input.
- Arguing with your adult children’s friends is futile because you will lose one way or another. Avoid doing that.
- It is okay to ask your other children if your estranged child is okay, but do not press them for information about the estranged child’s private life. They have the right to protect that space (yes, from their parents).
Some of these suggestions may seem harsh. But trust me when I tell you that doing them will protect your emotions and aid you toward better healing.
Empty Nesters Are Solely Responsible For Their Emotional Healing
The Most Significant Thing I Learned
In closing, I’ve learned that I am solely responsible for my emotional well-being. And that it is unfair to expect my children to heal me. I have to give them all the space they need to learn how to navigate their lives. Remember, they are also experiencing something new. They are away from their parents for the first time, figuring out what the adult space is all about.
Your Emotional Wellness Is My Only Goal
Finally, dear friends, if I stepped on your toes, please know that I have your emotional healing as my only goal. There are many achievable emotional milestones empty nesters can set. But foremost, please refrain from anything that keeps you in an emotional funk.
I wish you emotional health and wellness.
