Please, Come Home For Christmas. If Not, By New Year's Night

’Tis Definitely The Season

All parents want their children to come home for Christmas. But this time of year brings a greater longing for parents who are empty-nesters. Some celebrate Christmas with all its trimmings. Some families celebrate Kwanza. Others welcome the season of Hanukkah. And some empty-nesters celebrate no man-sanctioned holiday. But they know it’s when their adult children may have time off from work.

They Have No Idea

Empty-nesters feel like it's a holiday cheer whenever their adult kids visit. The time of year doesn't matter to some. Whenever my son walks through the door, I cry. And when I do, he always says, “Awww, mother. Don’t cry.” He has no idea. Maybe he will when he becomes an empty nester, himself.

Parents Naturally Miss Their Children

I remember the day my brother, John, returned home from the military. It wasn’t during the Christmas holidays. It happened on a hot summer day. I was outside practicing my baton-twirling when I saw him walking up the sidewalk from a block away.

My Mother Got a Big Surprise

My parents did not know my brother was coming home that day, and I certainly did not know. But our mother’s eyes flooded with tears when she saw her 8th-born child walk through the door. And at the time, there were still four of us living with our parents.

It Always Matters

My mother never experienced the Empty-Nest Syndrome. But she knew what it was like to have a child return home after being away for a while. She was lucky to have all her children and an army of grandchildren around her every day.

If Not For Christmas

For many empty nesters, this will be their first Christmas without their children. And they pray their children will visit. Or, as that old Charles Brown song says, “Please come home for Christmas. If not for Christmas, by New Year’s night.”  My parents played that song throughout every holiday season

Be Glad For Even a Short Time

Some of us know our children are coming home for only a few days. They plan to split their winter vacation between their friends and us. So, we moms and dads will have to be grateful for whatever time we can get.

Empty Nesters Should Be Willing to Do Things Differently

Letting Go of Family Traditions

Some parents worry that family traditions will change if their kids don’t visit for the holidays. They want to continue the traditions established when their children were young. But that is not the necessity to claim it is.

Be Happy For New Year's Night

One empty-nester shared that they usually open gifts on Christmas Eve. But their son couldn’t visit until after Christmas. He plans to spend Christmas Day in another state with his wife’s family. But they promised to spend New Year’s Eve with his parents. Empty nesters must learn to adapt to such changes.

Adult Children Have Lives, Too

Their son and his wife have decided to alternate Christmas and New Year’s between their parents. I mean, that is only fair. Perhaps they pulled names from a hat to decide where to spend their first Christmas as a married couple. Maybe they played a game of “Rock-paper-scissors” to decide. Who knows? And does it matter? I think not.

Decide To Enjoy The Holidays, Regardless

But many empty-nesters will spend Christmas alone this year. Some may still feel alone if their adult children cannot visit even if they are with other people. Man, I feel that on a visceral level. The 2020 COVID lockdown marked my first Christmas without my children. I missed celebrating the holiday with them. 

All Things in Moderation

But we should not use the pandemic as a measuring stick because that was an upsetting time for families everywhere. The exception was the adult children who hunkered down with their parents. Ironically, it actually caused tension in some families because those visits lasted longer than either side preferred. 

Dealing With ENS as a Couple

Many empty-nesters are single-parent families. However, some couples face empty-nest syndrome together. Yet, they haven't yet found ways to connect without their kids. It’s not a bad thing, but for many years, most of their engagement focused on their children. And now they are trying to dance with the crazy awkwardness of having only each other in the house.

They Could Hardly Wait for The Empty Nest

I know families who are facing this. It’s comical because I remember when they said they could hardly wait for the last kid to leave home. Empty-nest syndrome affects everyone in unique ways, so each parent handles it differently. And they are tasked with learning to be patient with each other during this new phase. 

Whatever the Situation

Still, as parents, we should be more understanding toward our adult children. Your to to adapt to an empty nest isn't your children's problem. We need to accept that some things are - just things. And not everything has to be about us. 

Gratitude Practice Can Work Miracles

Regular gratitude practice can work miracles. I don’t know what that miracle will look like for you this holiday season. Perhaps your children will visit you. Or maybe a healthier mindset will bring you overwhelming joy even if they won’t make it home this year.

Mindful gratitude should be our focus, no matter what our children decide about the holidays.

Let Gratitude Heal Your Heart

Be grateful that you still have your children. Be thankful when they reach out to you. Why not be thankful that your kids are out there learning how life works as adults?

Separated by Conflict

I feel for those separated from their children because of conflict. It must be hard, especially if it seems like things won't change. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be for you. God be close to you this holiday season.

Regular gratitude practice can work miracles.

Try To See Things Differently

You might have felt angry when you saw that I think empty-nesting parents should be grateful. But how is complaining working for you? It is not. And it might be why you are so stressed this upcoming season rather than anticipating joy. Will you at least try to reframe how you see your situation with your children so you can tap into some of this joy? 

Don’t Make It Personal

I know it’s hard, but we cannot take our children’s decisions personally. It is not an indictment of our parenting or our character. And it may not cast a shadow on our relationship with our adult children. It only means they are figuring out how and where they fit into an adult space.

Logistics Matter

I wonder how it would feel if my parents had pressured me never to leave home or to visit whenever they wanted. For logistical reasons, it would not have worked for me

I know it’s hard, but we cannot take our children’s decisions personally.

A Massive Hug

Having our kids home for a few days feels like a big hug from the universe. They might stay in their rooms sometimes, but it’s still nice. Their being in the house for a while is beyond any words my brain can find. I love hearing my kids laugh and talk together. It makes me happy, even if I don’t always understand what they’re talking about. It just feels good, anyway.

All I Ever Want For Christmas

All I want for Christmas is for them to be here and present with me in body, mind, and spirit. There will be presents underneath the tree, but the only gift I want this year is to be with my children. And I am leaving that up to them and God.

For the Broken-Hearted

Some children can never come home for Christmas again. That is heart pain on a while other level for parents because they don't just miss their children at Christmastime. 

I Have You In My Heart

If you are an empty nester because you lost a child to death, please know I am mindful of you. But I am not qualified to address your deep pain. So, please forgive me and know I have you in my heart.

Wishing You God's Special Grace

This article is for empty-nesters whose kids have left home for college, the military, or jobs. It is also about adult children who choose to live elsewhere. Humbly, if your nest is permanently empty, may God bless you with a special grace, dear friend. 

Someone Scolded Me About This

Speaking of the holidays, someone once asked me if my children were coming home for Christmas. When I said I didn’t know, he scolded my kids through me. He raised his voice and shouted, “CHILDREN ARE SUPPOSED TO COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!"

I looked through him and thought,  "So, where is that written? Like, is there a Bible verse for that?

We Cannot Hold Our Children Hostage

But I couldn't just leave it there. I can’t recall my exact words, but I said something like, “My children are adults now, so I let them make their own choices.” I raised them that way and never want to hold them hostage to my desires.”

At that, he continued to lean into his point, which was stressing him. But my heart was peaceful. 

Best To Laugh It Off

As someone who pressures his children to visit every year for the holidays, I thought it strange that he worked so hard to convince me to do the same. That was not going to happen.

Allow Them Their Freedom 

I always want my children to visit me for the holidays. But no, I won’t make them feel obligated to do so. I am responsible for my emotions around missing my children; they are not. After all, I raised them to have a voice in matters that pertain to their lives.

Holiday Visits Don't Prove Love

Besides, I know that my children love me whether they visit for the holidays or not. A visit during the holidays doesn't prove anything, except that in some cases, it only proves that the parents are still controlling things. 

Let gratitude help to heal your broken heart. 

There Is No Right or Wrong Way

It helps that I am naturally a loner who enjoys my own company. Some may argue that my way is not the best way to deal with empty-nest syndrome during the holidays. But if I cannot be with my children, I prefer not to be with anyone. I often get invites from friends for various holidays. And if I do accept, I might pass through for a few long minutes, if that long. That feels best for me.

Do What's Right For You

I encourage you to do things in a way that feels right for you. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to experience an empty nest. 

Wishing You a Great Holiday Season 

In closing, go ahead and put up the holiday decorations if you like. And make that homemade eggnog! I put up a Christmas Tree every year, and I plan to make my Mama’s eggnog recipe on New Year’s Eve, regardless.

Enjoy yourself this holiday season!

As for me, I'll keep the Christmas lights on in case my children decide to come home.