’Tis The Season
All parents want their children to come home for Christmas. But this time of year brings a greater longing for parents who are empty-nesters. Some celebrate Christmas with all its trimmings, and some celebrate each purposeful day of Kwanza. Others welcome the season of Hanukkah. And some empty-nesters celebrate no man-sanctioned holiday, but they know it’s when their adult children may have time off from work.
But one thing we empty-nesters know is any time our adult children come home for a visit, it feels like a grand holiday. Whenever my son walks through the door, I cry. And when I do, he always says, “Awww, mother. Don’t cry.” He has no idea. At least, not yet.
Parents Naturally Miss Their Children
I remember the day my brother, John, returned home from the military. It wasn’t during the Christmas holidays. It happened on a hot summer day because I remember being outside practicing my baton-twirling routines when I saw him walking down the sidewalk from a block away, so I must have been in high school. I do not remember if my parents knew he was coming home that day, and I certainly did not know. But our mother’s eyes flooded with tears when she saw her 8th-born child walk through the door. And at the time, there were still four of us living with our parents.
My mother never experienced the Empty-Nest Syndrome, but she knew what it was like to have a child return home after being away for a while, yes, even if she had ten other children and an army of grandchildren around her every day.
Be Glad For The Time
Many empty-nesters have commented online that this will be their first Christmas without their children living at home, and they pray their children will come home for Christmas. Or, as that old Charles Brown song says, “Please come home for Christmas. If not for Christmas, by New Year’s night.”
Some of us empty-nesters know our children are coming home for only a few days and plan to split their winter vacation from school and work between their friends and us. So, we moms and dads will have to be grateful for whatever time we can get.
Empty Nesters Should Be Willing to Do Things Differently Now That Their Children Are Grown.
Letting Go of Family Traditions
Some empty-nesters fear their adult children will interrupt tradition if they don’t come home for the holidays. They want to continue the family traditions established when their children were young.
One empty-nester shared that they usually open gifts on Christmas Eve, but their son couldn’t come home until after Christmas because he will be spending Christmas Day in another state with his wife’s family. But they promised to spend New Year’s Eve with his parents.
Our Adult Children Have Lives, Too
Their son and his wife have decided to alternate Christmas and New Year’s between their parents. I mean, that is only fair. Perhaps they pulled their parents’ names from a hat to decide who to spend their first Christmas as a married couple with. Maybe they played a game of ‘Rock-paper-scissors” to decide. Who knows? And does it matter? I think not.
Decide To Enjoy The Holidays, Regardless
But many empty-nesters will spend Christmas alone this year, or they may feel alone if their children are not home, even if they are with people. Man, I feel that on a visceral level. The 2020 COVID Pandemic lockdown introduced me to my first Christmas without my children being here to celebrate the yuletide. It was just weird, but I still enjoyed myself because I was talking with my children throughout the holidays. I mean, they were stuck in their apartments, too. Nearly everyone was stuck at home during 2020.
Some couples are going through the empty-nest syndrome together and haven’t yet figured out how to engage with each other without their children. It’s not necessarily a negative, but much of their engagement was centered around their children for many years. And now they are trying to dance with the crazy awkwardness of having only each other in the house. I know families who are facing this. It’s comical because I remember when they said they could hardly wait for the last kid to leave the house. But empty nest syndrome hits differently, even when we thought we had prepared.
Try To Be More Understanding
Still, as parents, we should be more understanding toward our children. Just because you may not be willing to adapt to inevitable changes in your life doesn’t mean there should be any blame. We need to accept that some things are just things. And not everything has to be about us.
I imagine the parents who won’t get to spend the first New Year’s Eve with the married newlyweds complaining. (I know a family that experienced this.) Maybe the parents won’t be able to share their family tradition of homemade eggnog and Vanilla Wafer cookies on New Year’s Eve night. Yet, the young newlyweds have devised a plan to please all parties. But will it?
Gratitude Works Miracles
Gratitude can work miracles. I don’t know what that miracle will look like for you this holiday season. Perhaps, your children will visit you. Or maybe a better attitude will bring you overwhelming joy even if they won’t make it home this year.
Regardless, a spirit of gratitude should reign above all, no matter what decision our grown children make about coming home for the holidays.
Let Gratitude Heal Your Heart
Be grateful that you still have your children. Be thankful when they reach out to you. Be grateful that your children are somewhere trying to figure out how life works as adults.
My heart aches for those estranged from their children due to ongoing conflict, especially if you don’t see it resolving. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be for you. God be close to you this holiday season.
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Try To See Things Differently
Perhaps you wanted to bite my head when you read that I believe empty-nesting parents should be grateful. But how is complaining working for you? It is not. And it might be why you are so stressed this season when you should feel the season’s joy. Will you at least try to reframe how you see your situation with your children so you can tap into some of this joy?
Don’t Make It Personal
I know it’s hard, but we cannot take our children’s decisions personally. It is not an indictment of our parenting or our character. And it may not cast a shadow on our relationship with our adult children. It only means they are figuring out how and where they fit into an adult space.
I try to imagine how it would have felt had my parents pressured me never to leave home in the first place or visit home whenever they wanted me to. For logistical reasons, it would not have worked for me.
A Massive Hug
Having our children home for a few days feels like a massive hug from the universe, even if they are in their rooms for some time. Their being in the house for a while is beyond any words my brain can find. I love to hear my children laughing together or talking with each other, even if I don’t understand their conversation. LOL! It just feels good, anyway. All I want for Christmas is for them to be here and present with me in body, mind, and spirit.
Of course, there will be presents underneath the tree, but the only gift I want this year is to be with my children. And I am leaving that up to them and God. (smile).
For Those Whose Children Can Never Come Home For Christmas Again
If you are an empty nester because you lost a child to death, please know I am mindful of you. But I cannot touch that painful subject because I cannot understand your pain. And I know you cannot wish for your children to come home for the holidays….ever again. So, please forgive me and know I have you in my heart.
Humbly, this article focuses on people who became empty-nesters because their children left home for college, the military, jobs, or simply because they wanted to live elsewhere. If your nest is permanently empty, may God bless you with a special grace, dear friend.
Some People, I Tell You
Speaking of the holidays, someone once asked me if my children were coming home for Christmas. And when I replied that I did not know, he reprimanded my children (through me), exclaiming in a raised voice, “Children are supposed to come home for Christmas!” At that point, I thought, Where is that written? Like, is there a Bible verse for that? LOL!
I don’t remember what my reply was verbatim, but I said, “My children are grown now, and I give them the freedom to make their own choices. I raised them that way and never want to hold them hostage to my desires.” Still, he leaned into his point, which was stressing him. And still, my heart was peaceful.
Best To Laugh It Off
Having never experienced an empty nest, I thought it strange that he worked that hard to drive his point. I let him talk until he realized he needed to change the subject because continuing the conversation did not serve us. But a few years later, I think about that conversation because Christmas is only two weeks away. It’s comical how some people have no idea but feel their opinion matters anyway. It does not.
Allow Them The Freedom Not To Come Home for Christmas
Yes, I want my children to visit me for the holidays. But no, I won’t make them feel obligated to do so. I am responsible for my emotions around missing my children; they are not. After all, I raised them to have a voice in matters that pertain to their lives. And I know their decision is unattached to whether or not they love me. The truth is, I know that my children love me, regardless. So, that is settled, even as I wait to find out if they will both come home this year.
There Is No Right Or Wrong Way
It helps that I am naturally a loner who enjoys her own company. Some may argue that my way is not the best way to do the empty-nest syndrome during the holidays, but if I cannot be with my children, I prefer not to be with anyone. I often get invites from friends for various holidays, and if I do accept, I might pass through for a few minutes if that long. That feels best for me.
I encourage you to do things in a way that feels good. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to experience an empty nest.
In closing, go ahead and put up the holiday decorations if you are accustomed to doing that. And make that homemade eggnog! I put my Christmas Tree up the day after Thanksgiving and plan to make my Mama’s eggnog recipe on New Year’s Eve. But only do those things if you’re in the mood. In the meantime, I am keeping the light on in case my children decide to come home.
Wishing all of you a joyous, gracious, and safe holiday season!
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