Preach and Cochise
Beyond a situation involving physical death, I wondered why it’s so hard to say goodbye to the past. The title of this article is from a song in the movie Cooley High. Someone sang the song at the funeral of Cochise, the best friend of one of the main characters in the movie, Preach.
The tragic death of Cochise left Preach struggling to say goodbye to his beloved friend. I thought about that song recently. Let’s explore my question here.
We Get Like That
Many of us have a hard time saying goodbye to situations in our lives that are already dead. To be clear, that could mean a friendship, an intimate relationship, a life plan, a marriage, or a career, to name a few.
The Dead Can’t Bury Themselves
Let’s consider an actual death for a second. The person or thing, like an animal that dies, is not responsible for its own burial. No, that responsibility falls on those with whom they were in a relationship.
Burying Old Hopes and Fantasies
No one says that burying someone or something you love is easy. That is why people are somber at funerals. Still, when situations in our lives come to an end, we are the ones responsible for accepting that reality. And as it pertains to the certain plans we had for our lives, we have to let go and say goodbye so we can continue living.
Accept Impermanence
Buddhist teachings stress the impermanence of things, which is so liberating. Imagine the stress release that happens if we accept that things are not meant to last forever. That means relationships, jobs, nothing. Accepting impermanence helps us let go of how things should be. Rather, how we think they should be. It frees us, and it frees others as well.
Stoic Teachings
I’ve also been diving into the teachings of the Stoics lately. I am discovering some great truths embedded in Stoic beliefs. Although I shied away from Stoicism for many years. So, when relationships, jobs, or our lives don’t go as planned, we can help ourselves by accepting it.
“How does it help to make troubles heavier by bemoaning them?” – Seneca
I interpret the above quote to mean, feel sad about it, and then move on to the rest of your life. Don’t keep suffering over the past.
It Is Already Over
The thing to keep in mind is that the more we hold on to what is already over, the more internal pain we cause ourselves. Yet, we still find it hard to say goodbye even when we know it is best. Keep this in mind: just because a thing is hard, it doesn’t mean that we should not press our way to do it.
Talk Therapy Could Help
However, if you have a hard time saying goodbye to your yesterdays, talk therapy could be helpful. Sometimes, we need encouragement from a caring individual unconnected to our situation.
Distant and Recent Past
I find it interesting that it’s not always our distant past that we grip tightly. Often it is stuff that happened yesterday, last week, or even five minutes ago. And in all honesty, I, too, struggle with letting go of the past from time to time. But I am learning to trust my awareness and let situations and people go.
Rumination Keeps Us In the Past
Ruminating about the past can hinder better opportunities that await us. I am talking about better relationships, career opportunities, and improved health.
Put That Weighty Thing Down
Some of you endured devastating losses or hurt years ago, but still haven’t released them into the cosmos. Let those people go. Let your decades-long fantasy go. Or at least, let go of the exact way you envisioned it would play out in your life. It’s not worth the burden of carrying it.
“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” – Echhart Tolle
The Greatest Gift
Above all else, inner peace is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves. And who doesn’t want to feel peaceful within? You hold the key to finding inner peace. Isn’t knowing that empowering? It empowers me.
Ask yourself if continuing to hold on to something is helping or hurting you. And if it is not helping you, then in essence, you are cooperating with self-affliction. But I know you don’t think of it that way.
Familiar Territory
The only thing you know for sure is that your current situation is what is familiar to you. But it is only familiar because you have been doing it for so long. That does not mean you should not let go. In fact, that might be the very reason you should let go and try something different.
A Subconscious Habit
It is scary to think that you might be collaborating with a habit that is keeping you bound. I do not believe you are doing it to be difficult, but I do believe that change scares you.
“When it comes to letting go, we have a few options available to us. We can sit and wish that life had taken a different course, that we didn’t have to undergo a change, that we didn’t lose a loved one, that we kept our job, never moved house, or any other event that could keep us from moving on with our life.
Or, we can look at the world objectively. Accept the new reality we find ourselves in. Accept that much of what’s around us is outside the reach of our control, accept responsibility for our actions and our thoughts, and move forward.”
The Fear Is Real
So, one might ask, what is there to fear? Well, in my lived experience, there is nothing to fear and everything to fear all at the same time. I feared letting go of the life and relationships it took me years to build. That fear was real. But I didn’t fight the fear. I only accepted while knowing it was non-binding.
I Kept Making Adjustments
The older version of me always made adjustments to fit into certain circles. But I was not celebrated in those spaces. I was only tolerated. Time in deliberate solitude revealed those things. So I helped myself by ditching the mindset that those people and situations mattered. I freed myself. I had to because no one was going to save me from my false self.
My need for validation outside of myself was all an illusion conjured up to keep me from becoming whole without people who couldn’t help me, anyway.
Don’t Fear Illusions
So, here is the nothing to fear part. The stories I told myself about adaptation and acceptance were not real. And one day, I told myself that there was no need to fear illusion. I no longer feared that others would not accept me. As my brother told me one day, “Denise, don’t worry about those people.” I will always remember that. My need for validation outside of myself was all an illusion conjured up to keep me from wholeness.
New Organic Connections
You will find new connections, trust me. And you will not need to twist yourself into a pretzel to fit in. The truth is, you will not want to fit into circles that are emotionally expensive for you.
Self-Acceptance Is All That Matters
I walked away from relationships, people, and situations on more than a few occasions. But each time, I found new and often better acceptance. Still, the only acceptance that matters to me is self-acceptance. I wish that for you, too.
Good Riddance To What’s Behind You
The apostle Paul was so committed to God’s purpose for his life and future that he chose to forget his past. He intentionally ignored what was behind him. Then he chose to “strain” towards those things that were in front of him. Paul understood that looking ahead tied him to a higher calling; in fact, the highest calling.
Let It Hurt
Remember, I said it won’t be easy in every case. But do it anyway. Let it hurt. You will hurt more if you try to hold on to what you already know you should release. Besides, the pain of walking away will be temporary.
They Already Released You
I encourage you to loosen your grip on some things. It is the only way you will be free to receive the blessings that life has waiting for you. The truth is, the things in our past have already released us. Now, we have to release ourselves.
We Already Know
Unless life is playing a cruel trick on us, I believe each of us knows which things we need to let go of. An intuitive awareness is a huge part, yet still it is only the beginning of real change in our lives.
Effective change happens when we act on the inner knowing.
Stop Overthinking It
The other key is not to overthink it. We all know that the longer we think about it, the longer we are going to be stuck in a disempowering position. Consequently, oftentimes, the best thing to do is to let go. That is all. Let go.
Some Things Empty Nesters Must Say Goodbye To
Say Goodbye to:
- Focusing on your adult children. Some parents focus on their kids to avoid facing their own demons.
- Expecting adult children to share every detail of their lives.
- Thinking that your adult children should spend holidays with you.
- Trying to control every part of your adult child’s life, even if you were once very close.
- The need to intervene in your adult child’s marriage.
- Thinking that you have “rights” over your adult children or grandchildren. This only stresses your relationship with your adult child.
Let go of the past. This is your NOW.
Embrace a Better Life
This can be a huge challenge, but we can do it. In each conflict we encounter, it might benefit us to consider what the highest purpose is. Otherwise, we can become entangled in people and things that will only hinder us.
A Higher Calling
But how to embrace a new, higher calling when you thought you were already on the right track? Realizing that you are no longer on the track that is right for you is humbling. And humility is always useful when we are at a crossroads.
Self-Honesty Is King
This is where honesty has to take center stage. I know it is never easy to accept that you spent a lot of time fulfilling expectations that were not yours. I did that for many years until I decided I had had enough of other people’s dreams.
I Focused on Me
I abandoned everything and everyone and focused on my desires. I tell you, self-advocacy is a powerful thing.
