Overcompensation
Previously, I wrote about how a balanced life works. Therefore, this is in keeping with the concepts I spelled out there.
It Can Feel Like a Body Slam
There are a few things we empty nesters can agree on. One is that no matter how much we thought we prepared for it, empty nesting feels like a body slam. And before it hit, none of us knew how we would react to the emotional roller-coaster that is ENS.
It might also be helpful to consider that the onset of empty nest syndrome often coincides with perimenopause or menopause. So, coupled with the sting of perimenopause and menopause, many empty nesters are prone to overcompensating for what feels like a huge loss. But that is a whole other conversation right there.
ENS Can Unearth Past Traumas
Empty Nest Syndrome often unearths previous traumas simply because there is so much free time after our children leave home. But many would prefer to keep those painful experiences buried.
Our child-rearing years gave plenty of good reasons to forget about those things. But now, we no longer have the full-time responsibilities of caring for our children to shelter us. So, we are vulnerable in every sense of the word. However, if we apply wisdom, everyone connected with our empty nesting years will benefit greatly.
When Guilt Raises Its Ugly Head
I even know moms who put their social life first, so they often hung out with their friends instead of returning home after work to care for their children. And now that their children are grown and gone, those parents feel painful guilt about their previous decisions.
Latch-Key: Now The Tables Have Turned
Some years ago, I met a lovely young woman who told me that she was not close to her mother and, in fact, hardly knew her mother. She was an only child and often left alone to fend for herself from a young age. When she returned home from school, her mother was at work. And while she was at school, her mother was at home, asleep all day. As for finances, this girl wanted nothing. But she rarely saw her mother, and her father was not in the picture.
This young woman’s coldness towards her mother struck me as odd. But it opened my eyes to a sad reality. I hope that mother and daughter enjoy a healed relationship now.
As unfortunate as it is, childhood neglect is quite common. But those children grow up, and their empty-nesting parents often try to compensate for their previous neglect by overcompensating.
Compromising To Avoid Pain
It’s Kinda Late To Prove Your Love
Okay, so. That is a no-brainer to me. Why should this mother continue buying her grown daughter gifts if all she gets in return is disrespect? Perhaps the mother is trying to redeem herself for past trauma she caused her daughter. But would presents prove her love for her daughter or win her favor? I seriously doubt it.
When our children become adults, no money or gifts can persuade them if they don’t already know we love them. Please hear me on this.
One empty nester told me her daughter posted nasty things about her on social media and threatened to post even more when she refused to give in to her daughter’s demands. Of course, it crushed the mom. That would have been enough reason to shut her daughter off from every kind of help.
It saddened me to learn of that because my heart ached for the mother, and it was unfortunate that the daughter felt the need to stoop that low. Yet, I had to help the mom realize that her daughter was making hurtful public comments to manipulate her into acquiescing.
Overcompensating By Giving In
Furthermore, I suggested she not try to “clear her name” by commenting on the post. I do not believe in chasing rumors, whether they are true or not. This mother had to muster the courage to take power from her daughter by ignoring the post rather than responding and dismissing her daughter from her life. I saw no other option. And indeed, overcompensating by caving in to appease her daughter would not be an empowering response.
7 Ways Overcompensation Happens
To cope with their pain, empty-nesters may:
1. Donate money to every charitable cause they hear about to feel needed again. They may also spend excessive money on their adult children even if it stresses them to do it. For instance, the parent may buy pricey furnishings for the adult child’s home or apartment to win favor.
2. Over-commit to regular child care for their grandchildren while the parents run the streets. The ENS parent may ignore the unhealthy toll taking care of little ones has on their body.
3. Allow their adult child to move back home rent-free. Or they may let their adult child live rent-free permanently in another property they own. But that means they can’t collect rent from a legitimate tenant to help pay the upkeep of the property or for their retirement years.
4. Dip too much into their adult child’s private affairs under the guise of being supportive and caring.
5. Feel bad that their lives didn’t go as planned. So they go overboard trying to force their adult child’s life to redeem their own unfulfilled dreams.
6. Fail to hold their adult children accountable for hurting other family members because they don’t want to upset them.
7. Avoid setting boundaries in other adult relationships because they are lonely or don’t want to be alone.
Avoid Stress Like The Plague
Sometimes, adult children threaten to keep their grandchildren away from their parents. Some even threaten to reveal a dark family secret that would embarrass their parents. Their selfish demands take precedence over healthy family relations.
Consider Seeking Professional Help
We can never know all the variables within an empty nesting family. So there is no one-size-fits-all cure for what ails them. However, there is professional help for empty-nesters who struggle with the fear of aloneness or unresolved trauma they’ve been shunning since before they even had children.
Nothing is worth forfeiting our peace of mind. That said, I cannot think of anything worth overcompensating for if it shakes our sense of inner peace.
And with that, I wish you peace, healing, and safekeeping.
Finally, I would submit that nothing is worth forfeiting our peace of mind. That said, I cannot think of anything worth overcompensating for if it shakes our sense of inner peace.
Itís hard to come by knowledgeable people about this subject, but you sound like you know what youíre talking about! Thanks
Thanks for your kind words. A few years into Empty Nest Syndrome has taught me a few things. And although I am still learning, I stay open to the things this journey wants to teach me. I appreciate you. Please, be well.